I Remember

Three years ago, yesterday, my baby girl was born. I remember that day, like it actually was yesterday.

I remember the night before... January 2nd. I remember arriving at Uncle Verl and Aunt Marilyn's house with Mom and Grammie. Grammie slept in the bedroom and Mom and I slept on the fold-out couch. Grammie would sleep in a little and get ready. Then she'd come to the hospital at the time we were to deliver. Mom and I would be getting up early so we could be at the hospital by 5:00am. Nic would be coming up later that morning, after work, for the delivery.

I remember going to the hospital with my mom, and checking in... "Do you have a name picked out yet?" "No. We aren't sure. We want to meet her first." "Okay. Then Baby Girl Haws it will be." That's what she was known as.

I remember going into the room and being prepped. I got into the hospital gown, but first I looked at my belly. "Okay Mercydez," I said, "this is it. I wish I could protect you forever." Yes, I did call her by name, even though moments before I had told the person checking me in that we hadn't decided yet. I knew her name.

I remember having the IV site put in. "Oh, don't worry. We know you're a hard poke. We're going to send in our IV Team lead. She's so good she's on Life Flight." Several pokes, a bloody hand, and tears later, I finally had the site. "Yeah, she's real good, isn't she?"

I remember being told I was scheduled to be the last delivery of the day. At check-in, I thought I better double check. "What time am I scheduled to deliver?" "Oh, you're first." "FIRST?! I better call my husband! He's working because we were told I was last!" "Nope. You're first." Panic! "Nic, get up here! I'm going to be delivering soon!"

I remember many members of our family were there. I remember my sweet Grammie, who is now in Heaven with Mercydez, was there. She hadn't had time to do her hair because we found out, last minute, that I was scheduled first. I remember my nurse, who was so sweet, walking me into the operating room. I remember holding back my sob. I remember being scared.

"Okay, I need you to sit on the table with your feet off the side. Lean on this side table and kind of bend your back. It's time for the Spinal Block. Be as still as possible." "Oh.... Um, okay... Is this going to hurt me?" "It will feel like a bee sting. It shouldn't hurt too bad." "I know we just met and all, but I don't like needles. Can I please hold your hand?" "Of course. When this is through, we can bring your husband in." She was right. I honestly barely felt it. And, within seconds, I couldn't feel my legs. In fact, it was so fast that I didn't even have time to lift my legs onto the table. My nurse had to do it for me.

I remember the blue sheet being put up. My oxygen mask being put on. "Just say my name if you're getting light headed or if you feel like you're going to faint." "Okay, thanks Peter." I think I said his name about twenty times. I remember watching Nic's face as he watched the surgery. I remember his look of deep concern when they cut me open. "You okay, Babe?" "Yeah. What's going on?"

I love my scar. It's a reminder of my sweet little one.

I remember being told that Mercydez came out, bum first. How cute! And, she peed all over me! Haha! She's such a funny, sweet little girl. I remember only seeing the top of her head for less than a second before they whisked her away from me. Nic was suddenly gone and I was going through the clean up process. She was born at 11:21am. Nic had guessed the time. I was hoping for 11:13am because that's the time I was born at. Close enough!

"What's that smell?" "Don't worry Darlin'. We all do it." "Oh my gosh. How embarrassing."

I remember not seeing Nic for a while. He had followed Mercydez around, making sure she was okay. I'm so grateful. He took a picture of her in her incubator. "Oh my heck! Sweetie! We have the most adorable daughter! She's so alert and she looked right at me!" "I wish I could see her."

I remember visitor after visitor. They all got to see my baby. I couldn't though. I was on a morphine drip and I wasn't allowed to leave my room until that med was done away with. It was hard to have everyone else seeing my baby and me not getting the chance.

I remember being determined to see my baby. I told my nurse that I wanted off the drip. Done. And painful. And then, came standing up. I remember the excruciating pain. I have never felt so much physical pain in all my life. I look back and I think, "Mercydez endured this and so much more. I have no right to whine." It did hurt though... like nothin' else. It was just after midnight when I finally saw my beautiful baby girl.

I remember the wheelchair ride from the University Hospital over to Primary Children's... the long hallway... the small bumps at the doorways. That was so painful.

I remember seeing my baby the first time. I held her hand. We couldn't hold her. But we held her little hands.

That was such a special day. I will never forget. I feel so honored and so privileged to have such a beautiful baby.

We love her with all our hearts.

Happy third birthday to our beautiful baby girl.