My Sincere Apologies

Dear everyone who looks at my blog,

I have been spiritually chastened. Church today was powerful and I think the message was intended for me... I need to write a few things to clarify.

I have had my last blog post (and the comments) on my mind as of late. And, I feel the need to express my apologies. But, first, please let me explain.

I wrote my last blog post, not really considering how it sounded. I wrote it because someone has just spoken to me and said some things that really, really hurt. I know that you (yes, you reading this blog at this very moment) have probably had the same thing happen to you too. It's so hurtful when someone compares you to another person and they bring out your weaknesses and hold it up to another's strengths. I KNOW I'm not perfect. I KNOW I have flaws. I KNOW I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Salt in the wound really, REALLY hurts.

With that being said, I feel like I let my hurt get the better of me and I posted my last post out of pure hurt and frustration.

Comments were left in support (thank you), even though my words were a little forceful and probably hurtful to you. And, a comment was left from someone anonymous who pretty much put me in my place... and it hurt. A dear friend had just died that morning and work was hard. And, I came home to my "therapy" (blogging) and read the hurtful comment. So, I deleted it. I called my twin and told her about it. I was frustrated and hurt and she, of course, jumped to my defense and acted as my shield. Her comment is as a warrior out to protect me. I'm grateful for her.

I read her comment. And, I have to admit... I laughed, hysterically. I was laughing for about ten minutes straight... and the laughter was mixed with tears. Even now, I read it and I laugh. It's hilarious. And, I posted my own comment... mostly out of humor.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I basically want you to know that I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. I'm sure that I did. I have always tried to be Christ-like. And, I'm painfully aware that my weaknesses often keep me from being this person I so want to be.

So, thank you for allowing me to be human. And I'm sorry if I let anyone down. I feel so blessed to have the family, the friends, and the angels that I do. I never want to disappoint any of you, and I'm sorry that in my moment of hurt, I allowed myself to be less than my best.

I will do better and I will be better.

PS I don't hate anyone. Hate is a strong and ugly word.

Please Don't

I find it interesting the things people sometimes say to me. I don't know how they think it's okay, because it certainly isn't. This isn't about a pity-party. This is about reality. So, let me give the world a quick reality check.

Yes, I am an identical twin. That means I have a sister who is just two minutes older then me and we look exactly the same. We talk the same, laugh the same, behave the same, believe the same, dress the same, walk the same, care the same... same. Same. Same.

And, yes. There are differences. Although everything may seem identical, just remember that things aren't always as they seem.

This is where the reality check comes in:

Dear world,

My twin and I are about as close as two people can be. I love her and she loves me. We are best friends. My twin even claims Mercydez as her own (which I love). My twin and I protect each other. Don't ever say anything mean about my twin or I won't have a problem putting you in your place. And vise versa. Seriously.

So, when we are talking to you, please don't ever COMPARE us. I don't know how or why you might think this would make either one of us feel better, but it doesn't. It only infuriates me... and her. Thanks for the compliments (or the insults), but no thanks. Don't rag on one of us to make the other feel better.

It only makes us BOTH hate you.

Is that blunt enough?

Sincerely,
Ashley

I Remember

Three years ago, yesterday, my baby girl was born. I remember that day, like it actually was yesterday.

I remember the night before... January 2nd. I remember arriving at Uncle Verl and Aunt Marilyn's house with Mom and Grammie. Grammie slept in the bedroom and Mom and I slept on the fold-out couch. Grammie would sleep in a little and get ready. Then she'd come to the hospital at the time we were to deliver. Mom and I would be getting up early so we could be at the hospital by 5:00am. Nic would be coming up later that morning, after work, for the delivery.

I remember going to the hospital with my mom, and checking in... "Do you have a name picked out yet?" "No. We aren't sure. We want to meet her first." "Okay. Then Baby Girl Haws it will be." That's what she was known as.

I remember going into the room and being prepped. I got into the hospital gown, but first I looked at my belly. "Okay Mercydez," I said, "this is it. I wish I could protect you forever." Yes, I did call her by name, even though moments before I had told the person checking me in that we hadn't decided yet. I knew her name.

I remember having the IV site put in. "Oh, don't worry. We know you're a hard poke. We're going to send in our IV Team lead. She's so good she's on Life Flight." Several pokes, a bloody hand, and tears later, I finally had the site. "Yeah, she's real good, isn't she?"

I remember being told I was scheduled to be the last delivery of the day. At check-in, I thought I better double check. "What time am I scheduled to deliver?" "Oh, you're first." "FIRST?! I better call my husband! He's working because we were told I was last!" "Nope. You're first." Panic! "Nic, get up here! I'm going to be delivering soon!"

I remember many members of our family were there. I remember my sweet Grammie, who is now in Heaven with Mercydez, was there. She hadn't had time to do her hair because we found out, last minute, that I was scheduled first. I remember my nurse, who was so sweet, walking me into the operating room. I remember holding back my sob. I remember being scared.

"Okay, I need you to sit on the table with your feet off the side. Lean on this side table and kind of bend your back. It's time for the Spinal Block. Be as still as possible." "Oh.... Um, okay... Is this going to hurt me?" "It will feel like a bee sting. It shouldn't hurt too bad." "I know we just met and all, but I don't like needles. Can I please hold your hand?" "Of course. When this is through, we can bring your husband in." She was right. I honestly barely felt it. And, within seconds, I couldn't feel my legs. In fact, it was so fast that I didn't even have time to lift my legs onto the table. My nurse had to do it for me.

I remember the blue sheet being put up. My oxygen mask being put on. "Just say my name if you're getting light headed or if you feel like you're going to faint." "Okay, thanks Peter." I think I said his name about twenty times. I remember watching Nic's face as he watched the surgery. I remember his look of deep concern when they cut me open. "You okay, Babe?" "Yeah. What's going on?"

I love my scar. It's a reminder of my sweet little one.

I remember being told that Mercydez came out, bum first. How cute! And, she peed all over me! Haha! She's such a funny, sweet little girl. I remember only seeing the top of her head for less than a second before they whisked her away from me. Nic was suddenly gone and I was going through the clean up process. She was born at 11:21am. Nic had guessed the time. I was hoping for 11:13am because that's the time I was born at. Close enough!

"What's that smell?" "Don't worry Darlin'. We all do it." "Oh my gosh. How embarrassing."

I remember not seeing Nic for a while. He had followed Mercydez around, making sure she was okay. I'm so grateful. He took a picture of her in her incubator. "Oh my heck! Sweetie! We have the most adorable daughter! She's so alert and she looked right at me!" "I wish I could see her."

I remember visitor after visitor. They all got to see my baby. I couldn't though. I was on a morphine drip and I wasn't allowed to leave my room until that med was done away with. It was hard to have everyone else seeing my baby and me not getting the chance.

I remember being determined to see my baby. I told my nurse that I wanted off the drip. Done. And painful. And then, came standing up. I remember the excruciating pain. I have never felt so much physical pain in all my life. I look back and I think, "Mercydez endured this and so much more. I have no right to whine." It did hurt though... like nothin' else. It was just after midnight when I finally saw my beautiful baby girl.

I remember the wheelchair ride from the University Hospital over to Primary Children's... the long hallway... the small bumps at the doorways. That was so painful.

I remember seeing my baby the first time. I held her hand. We couldn't hold her. But we held her little hands.

That was such a special day. I will never forget. I feel so honored and so privileged to have such a beautiful baby.

We love her with all our hearts.

Happy third birthday to our beautiful baby girl.

Woah, So Much Has Happened

Yes, on this, the last day of the year, I thought I should probably let everyone know that we ARE still up and at 'em. So much has happened and I'll try to give you a quick and simple recap...

OcToBeR 2010
* Nic interviewed for the nursing program at UVU.
* Ashley applied and was promoted to a full-time Marketing position with Harmony Home Health & Hospice - - - LOVING IT!!!
* Went to Colorado with Trav & Adrienne for a little get-away. It was so fun and so needed.

NoVeMbEr 2010
* Moved to Provo. This has been really, really hard for me. But, it's also such a great blessing.
* Stayed up all Thanksgiving Eve night together and painted the front living room! It was so much work but it looks so great!
* Had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Nic's family and later that day, with my family.
* Organized and pulled off FOUR Memorial Services for our Hospice company. This was a ToN of work, but it was so worth it.
* NiC wAs AcCePtEd To ThE UvU nUrSiNg PrOgRaM sTaRtInG iN jAnUaRy 2011!! BeSt NeWs EvEr!!!!!

DeCeMbEr 2010
* Bought our home in Provo! Yay!
* Had new windows put in! Makes SUCH a difference.
* Had a Merry Christmas Eve with Nic's family and a Merry Christmas with my family. Decided to have a small Christmas with so much going on. Loved it!
* Having a happy New Year's Eve by shopping a little and having loved ones over for some fun!

Nic starts the Nursing program next week and we are absolutely thrilled about it. It couldn't get any better, honestly. We have been so blessed and we feel so undeserving. Heavenly Father is a kind, loving God. We are so grateful for our many blessings. There are so many hardships and so many blessings found within.

We certainly wish you a Happy New Year! May 2011 bring more happiness, blessings, and successes to you and yours.

ReTreAt!!!

We had a Women's Choir retreat and it was so fun!

Yay for being girly and having a good time!

Denver

Yes, we took a little vacation and went to Denver. Why Denver? Well, because silly. Flights to Denver just happened to be the cheapest we could find. So, Denver it was.

We had a great time. We didn't have ANYTHING planned. In fact, we just chillax'd most the time. It was so PERFECT.

We had dinner with a friend from high school. Nick Bishop and his wife, Christina. They are a very cute couple and it was great to see them. Nick is doing medical school and I know he will be a great doctor.

Besides dinner with our friends from long ago, we just did whatever we wanted. We saw three, yes, THREE movies. Here are my reviews, all for your reading pleasure:
Social Network - pretty good movie. I enjoyed it. But, I could have waited to see it when it was $1 at redbox. But, it was very interesting. The actor who played the main character did a phenomenal job. It was pretty good. I wouldn't say it's a must see.
The Town - Okay, this is rated R and it should be rated X. I would NOT recommend it. The F-bomb was said over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Oh, and there were two very bad sex scenes and some full-on nudity. All of which, YES, I am against. We bought the tix because the guy working said, "Oh, no. There's nothing bad in that movie." Quite frankly, I'm ashamed we saw it. I would NEVER recommend it. EVER. Don't see it. I have decided that Hollywood and all the famous (okay, MOST of the famous there) are glorified prostitutes. Seriously. Excuse me while I have a very candid conversation with the computer... but, honestly. These movie stars will do whatever it takes to make big bucks. It makes me sick. And then, they have the nerve to turn around and mock those who are prostitutes or strippers for a career. I don't support either career choice, but honestly... they're all the same. Ug. It makes me sick. I don't get how they can have "marriages" when they are sleeping with the next big star... all for a million dollars (or more). (Gag). Hello STD's. It's no wonder their marriages last all of three years (if they're lucky).
RED - So, this movie was FABULOUS. I highly, highly recommend it. Warning: the F-bomb is said one time. That's an improvement compared to "The Town". RED was not only hilarious, but it was completely enjoyable. It's a movie you go to and just chill. No thinking. No scary stuff. Just, enjoyable. It was very similar to "Knight and Day"... the movie that recently came out with Tom Cruise and that one blond chick... what the trash is her name? OH! I just remembered... Cameron Diaz. I honestly forgot her name. I wasn't trying to be funny. Seriously. I would say, YES, go see RED.

Okay, now for some fun pix of our trip.



We toured the Coors Brewery because someone told us it was cool. Maybe it would have been cooler if we actually found pleasure in alcohol. Call us lame or boring, but we can have fun without that crap. All in all, the tour couldn't have been over soon enough. "But they give FREE SAMPLES!!!" To which we say, "Who the HECK cares? We like WATER. Oh, and our livers."

This was the FREAKY stairway that should have been in a horror movie. Thanks to my husband who lead us astray. We were all locked in here. I swear to you, I thought we were going to die.



We went to the Botanical Gardens. Wow, it was beautiful. Nic always makes fun of me because I tell him I would love to live in the day and age of Jane Austen. I would love to walk in my 50 acre garden and pick flowers all day. Mmmm, bliss. Nic thinks it would be absolutely boring. He mocks my idea of picking flowers all day. To which I promptly stick my tongue out at him. STINKY!















PS If you go to Denver on vacation, just go straight to Boulder. It was better than Denver. ...just sayin'...

My Addiction

Bring on the beads!!!