Remember When

Dear Mercydez,

I can't believe you have been in Heaven for two years now. Daddy and I always talk about how much we miss you and how much we love you. In fact, tonight we were talking about how much we miss just simply picking you up and holding your beautiful, perfect little body with such an adorable spirit, in our arms. We miss you. So much.

You have changed us, little girl. You have changed us for the better. You have helped us cling to our Savior. You have taught us that the Atonement truly is our saving grace. You have taught us more about The Gospel of Jesus Christ than we could ever express. Thank you.

Daddy and I are always curious as to what you're doing up there. We know you're busy. We know you're working hard. But, we also know you are at peace. You are experiencing a rest that can only be found with Jesus Christ and our Father. I can't imagine the perfection you are experiencing. We are so happy for you.

Baby Girl, we want you to know that we are so honored to have you in our family. We feel so blessed to have had you, even if for a short time. It breaks my heart when I hear people talk about being "afraid" to have a child who is "different". To them, I say: then you are afraid of PURE HAPPINESS. Is it hard? Absolutely. But only cowards run from hard situations. I can't testify strongly enough... having a child with special needs brought us MORE HAPPINESS AND JOY THAN WE HAVE EVER HAD. I think people just refuse to see that. Because they are afraid. Because they are cowards. I would NEVER trade my beautiful Mercydez for anything.

Our sorrow did not begin when we found out our Mercydez had some very special needs. Our sorrow began the moment we found out we couldn't keep her here on earth with us for forever.

Mercydez, you are our everything. Thank you for helping us become better people. Thank you for helping us make it through these past two, very trying, years. We thought of you during General Conference this past weekend. Elder Scott was talking about his baby boy, Richard, who had a heart defect. Elder Scott mentioned that he will forever cherish the night he got up and held his crying baby boy in his arms to comfort him. All I could do was cry. I know what he means. I understand, completely. I will never forget the whole-ness I felt when holding you Mercydez.

Mommy and Daddy miss you. Dearly. Know, though, that we are so happy for you. You deserve the great reward you are enjoying right now. Give our Princess Grammie (and her prince) a kiss for us (and for Auntie Addy too).

All of our hearts,
Daddy and Mommy

Oh My!

Happy birthday cute little brof-er. I lohba-you!!!

If you are a connoisseur of GOOD food (no, not JUST FOOD, but GOOD food), try the following:

If you want an absolutely DELICIOUS roast, click HERE! It's SO SO SO SO SO SO easy... and YES! It works. Megan, you're a genius!

If you want delicious gravy from your roast drippings, follow these instructions:

2 cups of your drippings with the fat removed (don't get rid of the good stuff in your drippings... just the fatty stuff)
Put your drippings in a a saucepan. On medium heat, bring drippings to a simmer. While your drippings are warming in the sauce pan, get a small bowl and mix the following:
1/2 Cup Water
3 Tbsp. flour
Whisk ingredients until well mixed. Once your drippings are at a simmer, add your flour mixture to it, constantly whisking your drippings. Lower temperature a bit, but make sure your gravy is still simmering. Simmer 3-5 minutes. It thickens quickly. But, YUMMY!!!

And, for a very delicious chocolate dessert, click HERE!

TRUST ME! You won't regret trying these recipes... and honestly, they are all SUPER easy.

When I'm Weary, and I Can't Sleep, I Count My Blessings, Instead of Sheep...

(The ladies, from left to right: Emily, Jessica, Carolyn, Teea, Me)
I feel so blessed. Thanks to these wonderful women whom I call dear friends. We have all lost our babies. And, it's been hard. But, we're kind of our own little groupie. And, I'm grateful. They get me. Thanks for the great evening over great food. I love you all so much!

I feel so blessed because I have a wonderful husband. I realize how much of a blessing this is. I truly do. It breaks my heart that so many are involved with men who treat them horribly, don't love them, say hurtful things, never show affection, etc. etc. It seems to be more and more common. I feel so blessed. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for Nic. I can't believe how wonderful he is to me. He does so much for me... from getting me a glass of water when I'm in bed (oh, and so is he), to fixing the sink, to coming with me to the car shop so I won't get ripped off, and yes, he's even painted my fingernails for me. I am so blessed. Mushy? Yes. Reality? Yes. I'm so grateful and I'm so blessed. I realize this. And, I HAVE to recognize it. MEN! BE MEN! NOT SLOBS! BE GENTLEMEN! NOT JERKS! In three words: BE LIKE NIC.

I also feel so blessed to have my beautiful angel in heaven. Her two-year angel anniversary is coming up... in just over a week. My mind has been turned back to this time, two years ago. I knew what was coming. I KNEW it. I knew my baby would soon take her turn to leave me and return to her Heavenly Father. I can honestly say at this time, I'm grateful she is in Heaven. She is safe. Nic and I were talking last night... we were talking about our beautiful baby, Mercydez. How we miss her. We miss her so much. But, we are so happy for her. We are so happy that she is free. Her little body, as beautiful and sweet as it was, was bondage for her. I'm so grateful she doesn't have to endure the hardships she majestically endured for so long. Our arms ache for her, but our hearts rejoice for her. We are so blessed to have had her with us. And, we are so blessed to have her as our eternal daughter. I can't even imagine how glorious our reunion with her will be. But, until then, I know she is in good hands with "her best friend".

I feel so blessed to have found happiness again. My thanks goes to my Father in Heaven, and my Savior, Jesus Christ. My belief, with all my soul, is that my happiness is only possible because of the Atonement of my Savior. (If you click on the link, read verses 40 & 41).

Should I keep counting? I think I'll leave it at that. I could easily keep counting though. I'm in awe at how many blessings I have. I'm so grateful. I'm so undeserving, but so grateful.

Here's What's Happening:

Drum roll please......

Nic and I are going on a SA-WEET vacation come May! I'm so excited! We just booked it and.... We're going on a CRUISE and it will be the best!! We've been on a cruise before, and we totally think it's the way to travel! It's going to be so awesome! I can't wait!

Nic is half-way through his first semester in Nursing School. He's doing well and things are going great. I'm feeling like there is already light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so happy for him. He will truly be one of the best nurses ever. He knows the value of a great nurse... not only that, he really cares about people. He's such a great example.

I'm working hard and grateful for the opportunity. I feel so blessed. I have a great job finding and helping those in need. I feel so grateful. I'm taking a small break from school in hopes of supporting Nic as best as I can. In the words of my Grammie, "He is number one in my parade."

This last week has been CHD Awareness week, with tomorrow being the finale. I've thought a lot about my sweet little girl. I've had a lot of emotion surrounding the memories. I miss her with all my soul. However, I know, without a doubt, that she is healthy, happy, and perfect. There is life after death. I can't imagine living life without the knowledge I have. The Gospel has saved me.

I'm excited for Valentine's Day tomorrow! There's a bitter-sweet aspect to it. I remember two years ago... I traced Mercydez's hands and copied the prints on a ton of pink paper hearts and I put them all over the house. I still have those. Her tiny hand prints are priceless treasures.

Happy Valentines Day {Eve}! Choose to make it a good day!

My Sincere Apologies

Dear everyone who looks at my blog,

I have been spiritually chastened. Church today was powerful and I think the message was intended for me... I need to write a few things to clarify.

I have had my last blog post (and the comments) on my mind as of late. And, I feel the need to express my apologies. But, first, please let me explain.

I wrote my last blog post, not really considering how it sounded. I wrote it because someone has just spoken to me and said some things that really, really hurt. I know that you (yes, you reading this blog at this very moment) have probably had the same thing happen to you too. It's so hurtful when someone compares you to another person and they bring out your weaknesses and hold it up to another's strengths. I KNOW I'm not perfect. I KNOW I have flaws. I KNOW I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Salt in the wound really, REALLY hurts.

With that being said, I feel like I let my hurt get the better of me and I posted my last post out of pure hurt and frustration.

Comments were left in support (thank you), even though my words were a little forceful and probably hurtful to you. And, a comment was left from someone anonymous who pretty much put me in my place... and it hurt. A dear friend had just died that morning and work was hard. And, I came home to my "therapy" (blogging) and read the hurtful comment. So, I deleted it. I called my twin and told her about it. I was frustrated and hurt and she, of course, jumped to my defense and acted as my shield. Her comment is as a warrior out to protect me. I'm grateful for her.

I read her comment. And, I have to admit... I laughed, hysterically. I was laughing for about ten minutes straight... and the laughter was mixed with tears. Even now, I read it and I laugh. It's hilarious. And, I posted my own comment... mostly out of humor.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I basically want you to know that I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. I'm sure that I did. I have always tried to be Christ-like. And, I'm painfully aware that my weaknesses often keep me from being this person I so want to be.

So, thank you for allowing me to be human. And I'm sorry if I let anyone down. I feel so blessed to have the family, the friends, and the angels that I do. I never want to disappoint any of you, and I'm sorry that in my moment of hurt, I allowed myself to be less than my best.

I will do better and I will be better.

PS I don't hate anyone. Hate is a strong and ugly word.

Please Don't

I find it interesting the things people sometimes say to me. I don't know how they think it's okay, because it certainly isn't. This isn't about a pity-party. This is about reality. So, let me give the world a quick reality check.

Yes, I am an identical twin. That means I have a sister who is just two minutes older then me and we look exactly the same. We talk the same, laugh the same, behave the same, believe the same, dress the same, walk the same, care the same... same. Same. Same.

And, yes. There are differences. Although everything may seem identical, just remember that things aren't always as they seem.

This is where the reality check comes in:

Dear world,

My twin and I are about as close as two people can be. I love her and she loves me. We are best friends. My twin even claims Mercydez as her own (which I love). My twin and I protect each other. Don't ever say anything mean about my twin or I won't have a problem putting you in your place. And vise versa. Seriously.

So, when we are talking to you, please don't ever COMPARE us. I don't know how or why you might think this would make either one of us feel better, but it doesn't. It only infuriates me... and her. Thanks for the compliments (or the insults), but no thanks. Don't rag on one of us to make the other feel better.

It only makes us BOTH hate you.

Is that blunt enough?

Sincerely,
Ashley

I Remember

Three years ago, yesterday, my baby girl was born. I remember that day, like it actually was yesterday.

I remember the night before... January 2nd. I remember arriving at Uncle Verl and Aunt Marilyn's house with Mom and Grammie. Grammie slept in the bedroom and Mom and I slept on the fold-out couch. Grammie would sleep in a little and get ready. Then she'd come to the hospital at the time we were to deliver. Mom and I would be getting up early so we could be at the hospital by 5:00am. Nic would be coming up later that morning, after work, for the delivery.

I remember going to the hospital with my mom, and checking in... "Do you have a name picked out yet?" "No. We aren't sure. We want to meet her first." "Okay. Then Baby Girl Haws it will be." That's what she was known as.

I remember going into the room and being prepped. I got into the hospital gown, but first I looked at my belly. "Okay Mercydez," I said, "this is it. I wish I could protect you forever." Yes, I did call her by name, even though moments before I had told the person checking me in that we hadn't decided yet. I knew her name.

I remember having the IV site put in. "Oh, don't worry. We know you're a hard poke. We're going to send in our IV Team lead. She's so good she's on Life Flight." Several pokes, a bloody hand, and tears later, I finally had the site. "Yeah, she's real good, isn't she?"

I remember being told I was scheduled to be the last delivery of the day. At check-in, I thought I better double check. "What time am I scheduled to deliver?" "Oh, you're first." "FIRST?! I better call my husband! He's working because we were told I was last!" "Nope. You're first." Panic! "Nic, get up here! I'm going to be delivering soon!"

I remember many members of our family were there. I remember my sweet Grammie, who is now in Heaven with Mercydez, was there. She hadn't had time to do her hair because we found out, last minute, that I was scheduled first. I remember my nurse, who was so sweet, walking me into the operating room. I remember holding back my sob. I remember being scared.

"Okay, I need you to sit on the table with your feet off the side. Lean on this side table and kind of bend your back. It's time for the Spinal Block. Be as still as possible." "Oh.... Um, okay... Is this going to hurt me?" "It will feel like a bee sting. It shouldn't hurt too bad." "I know we just met and all, but I don't like needles. Can I please hold your hand?" "Of course. When this is through, we can bring your husband in." She was right. I honestly barely felt it. And, within seconds, I couldn't feel my legs. In fact, it was so fast that I didn't even have time to lift my legs onto the table. My nurse had to do it for me.

I remember the blue sheet being put up. My oxygen mask being put on. "Just say my name if you're getting light headed or if you feel like you're going to faint." "Okay, thanks Peter." I think I said his name about twenty times. I remember watching Nic's face as he watched the surgery. I remember his look of deep concern when they cut me open. "You okay, Babe?" "Yeah. What's going on?"

I love my scar. It's a reminder of my sweet little one.

I remember being told that Mercydez came out, bum first. How cute! And, she peed all over me! Haha! She's such a funny, sweet little girl. I remember only seeing the top of her head for less than a second before they whisked her away from me. Nic was suddenly gone and I was going through the clean up process. She was born at 11:21am. Nic had guessed the time. I was hoping for 11:13am because that's the time I was born at. Close enough!

"What's that smell?" "Don't worry Darlin'. We all do it." "Oh my gosh. How embarrassing."

I remember not seeing Nic for a while. He had followed Mercydez around, making sure she was okay. I'm so grateful. He took a picture of her in her incubator. "Oh my heck! Sweetie! We have the most adorable daughter! She's so alert and she looked right at me!" "I wish I could see her."

I remember visitor after visitor. They all got to see my baby. I couldn't though. I was on a morphine drip and I wasn't allowed to leave my room until that med was done away with. It was hard to have everyone else seeing my baby and me not getting the chance.

I remember being determined to see my baby. I told my nurse that I wanted off the drip. Done. And painful. And then, came standing up. I remember the excruciating pain. I have never felt so much physical pain in all my life. I look back and I think, "Mercydez endured this and so much more. I have no right to whine." It did hurt though... like nothin' else. It was just after midnight when I finally saw my beautiful baby girl.

I remember the wheelchair ride from the University Hospital over to Primary Children's... the long hallway... the small bumps at the doorways. That was so painful.

I remember seeing my baby the first time. I held her hand. We couldn't hold her. But we held her little hands.

That was such a special day. I will never forget. I feel so honored and so privileged to have such a beautiful baby.

We love her with all our hearts.

Happy third birthday to our beautiful baby girl.