uh, how in the world do I update my blog in a matter of just a few minutes? The truth is, I can't. I'm a word-lover and as such, I love to write. So, instead of updating and listing all the many happenings-on, I will just simply say...
I miss being a mom. I miss doing the "tedious" things. They aren't tedious to me.
Being back at school has been an interesting experience. (sigh). It's so interesting to people-watch. I've just decided that I don't really belong in the world "of". Confusing, I know.
I just feel like I don't fit in. And it's okay that I don't fit in. I'm actually grateful that I don't fit in. I've experienced the most beautiful little girl in the world. I'm different because of her and I'm grateful I'm changed. But, sometimes it's hard. I have had to re-align myself in the last 6-7 months. I don't know who I am, or really what I'm supposed to do. I'm enjoying myself at school, but I feel kinda lost and I feel like I don't FIT.
Motherhood is SUCH a different world. It's so much better than the "reality" so many people enjoy. I don't get why so many people are turned off to having children. It's really sad. But, I have to say, I'm grateful those people don't have children... children deserve to be LOVED THOROUGHLY. It's just sad that people deny themselves so much happiness, love, fullness... JOY.
How do I put into words what I'm feeling? I don't know that I can. All I know is, I'm grateful I'm a wife and mommy forever.
Guys' Trip
4 years ago
11 comments:
Hi, you don't know me but I got to your blog after reading Gayle Johnsons'. I live in Cokeville with the Johnsons and read their blog often and just decided to read some other ones on their site. We lost our little boy 10 years ago, March 2, 1999. He died when I was 21 weeks pregnant. We had no other children at the time and I was "lost" for a long time. Lost in the gospel, lost in my marriage, and lost in my life. I understand your feelings of not fitting in. Our life on earth just doesn't compare with the life we will have with our little ones when we see them again. The months you had with your precious little girl will be important to you for years to come. I still have a box of our boys things that I look at from time to time. Losing a child is a big test of faith, keep going and trust in your Heavenly Father to get you through it. He will.
And Mercydez is the luckiest little girl having you as her Mommy!! I have no words to comfort you, I can't say I have been in your shoes, I can only imagine what life would be like without one of my own... I would be LOST as well.
I hope you will have the chance to be a mother on earth again!!
((HUGS))
just wanted to pop in and see what was going on with you guys. We miss the Haws. :)
and you're right - being a mom is the best!
Hey Ash, I just love reading what you have to say. You put your feelings out there, and open your heart wide. You are very, very strong, and you let us in. I can't even begin to guess how many people (especially Mom's) whose loads you have lightened, whose hearts you have lifted, whose minds you have stirred. You are (always have been and I imagine always will be) an inspiration to all who have the blessing to know you. You are indeed a gifted and loving soul. Mercydez is especially lucky to be your daughter. The girls and I stopped by the cemetery yesterday to visit and talk to her--we like to do that periodically. I just wanted to remind you of how much you (and she and Nic, too) are loved and treasured. I love you very much,
Christy
Do you know the Martina McBride song, "In My Daughter's Eyes"? Here are the lyrics--they touch me deeply, and I think they will you, too.
In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero I am strong and wise
And I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes
And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh, It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel
Like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes
In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow
And someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes
I too feel weird. I'm confused at times why people do no know how to relate to those who have lost a child
but it makes it so that I do not fit in. I am okay with that (most days). I just think when you've experienced something so perfect and pure, the world seems so different. See, even I do not know how to express the way I feel. But I know what you are saying!
I love your posts my dear friend. I miss you. My impulse is to run to your house because I certainly need someone to just talk with today. I think you've just put into words something I've felt for a while as well. It is so true! I think I enjoy my wonderful friends here but..I do feel out of place. I do. All because of my Angel, which I'd never take back. Ever..but sometimes I really can't stand her being gone..like today. SIGH. I miss her so..AND I miss Mercy... I sure love you.
Grief comes in waves. It doesnt always present itself with tears and sadness. Sometimes it makes us feel alone and abandoned by society. I think everything you are feeling is "normal". This is just a different wave in your leg of the race. One day you will look up at your new little baby and realize that you are a stronger, better mommy to her because of all you have been through with Mercy. I love you and I am thinking of you on this day and everyday...
Much Love,
Tami
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Ashley. You are an amazing mommy and an amazing person. You have handled yourself with such grace through all of this, and you are so in touch with your emotions, thoughts, and faith. You are a true inspiration.
You are such a treasure, Ashley. I understand about not fitting in, and I appreciated the Thatcher comment, for myself. I forget that sometimes grief comes in waves and it expresses itself in different ways. Not always tears and sadness. It's good for me to hear these days. I'm so proud of you for putting one foot in front of the other every day. You are doing mah-velous, darling.
Ashley, I want you to know I've been praying about you, and I've been thinking about you alot lately too. You are so much stronger than you even know. I can't say that I know what you're going through. I don't have kids. I've never been there. But I have to say that you have a strength that is an inspiration to me.
I was talking to my mom the other day about when she lost my sister, and I told her about your post. She said even though she doesn't know exactly how you feel, she knows how you feel. She was in a different situation, because she had another child. My sister died after 28 hours of life. My parents thought they couldn't go on. But they had to go on. They had a 2 year old home that they had to continue living for. They couldn't just go through the motions because he needed them. My mom said there were days when that was the only thing that got her out of bed. But she said it does get easier. You never stop missing your child. My mom said even today, 28 years later, she will ache in her heart and just wish she could hold my sister 1 more time. She still feels the hurt, but it's not constant. Shelby (my sister) has a special place in my moms heart that none of the rest of us have, and that's ok. My mom has us with her on earth and she has Shelby in her heart.
I know that none of my words help, and I'm not the best at writing my thoughts the way they are in my head. But I love you. I've never met you, but I feel like we're friends. I pray for you and your husband, and I pray for Mercy. She's your angel and she is always with her. I truly believe that she is so proud of you and your strength. And I believe that she is proud of the things you're doing in school and your reasons for wanting to do them. ANd I believe that someday as nurse, friend, neighbor, visiting teacher, ward member, acquaintance etc, you will be able to help someone else because your experiences. You are amazing and I hope you remember that. Stay strong and know you're not alone! (And I apologize for making my comment so long!)
You are an inspiration. Thank you for reminding to not take for granted one of my greatest gifts -- that of being a MOTHER! LOVE YOU!
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