I don't have much time.
I've been procrastinating. (sigh)
Yes, we are still here.
Mothers Day was beautiful, and hard. In the moment, it felt hard, but looking back on that Sunday, just over a week ago, I have realized that it was actually really, REALLY hard for me. It was wonderful to honor my own mother and mother-in-law (as well as the many women around me), but it was an empty day for me.
I'm at a point in my grief where I just block things. Yes, I'm still grieving and I will always be grieving. It's something not many understand. I appreciate those who try to understand though. I can tell when a person tries and when a person just flat-out doesn't. I don't like people who don't try. I don't have the energy to say that it's "okay" if they don't try. Selfish? Yes. Do I care? No. So, there ya have it.
I've been struggling the last while. My sweet, beautiful Grammie is really sick. In fact, today, she took a turn for the "worst" (which, by the way, really isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person). I have "blocked" the heartache, but today it has been fresh and some-what raw. I don't know how much longer we'll have her. All I know is that I love her. She is my Grammie. She is my best friend. She is my coach, my mentor, my life-guide. But, I don't blame her. She's been without my Grandpa for way too long. She and my Grandpa are madly in love. I'm sure they will both be weeping for joy when they meet again. I will be weeping too. A happy weep. And, most definitely, a sad weep.
Nic and I have been reading our scriptures together every night. It's something I look forward to. I love it. It has been a comfort. We were reading in The Book of Mormon and I came across a verse that reads as follows:
"...many shall be afflicted in the flesh, and shall not be suffered to perish, because of the prayers of the faithful;"
Hm. Did that catch you off-guard like it did me? The word "suffered" as mentioned above doesn't have the same modern-day meaning commonly used. I've pondered that a lot. There is a lot hidden in that small passage. I love the scriptures.
I'm taking a few sociology classes this semester. My mind has been moving, spinning, analyzing, pondering, and questioning quite a bit lately. This class has both helped me learn A LOT about myself and it has caused me to question a lot about myself as well. ... ... ... ... ...
Okay, back to the studies. Homework will be forever taunting me unless I stop procrastinating and JUST GET 'ER DONE.
Guys' Trip
5 years ago
4 comments:
Ashley, I'm so sorry about your sweet grammie. Your are right, what a sweet reunion that will be. Made me think of dear President Hinckley and his ache for his sweetheart. What a beautiful thing it must have been for them, and many others who've reunited. What a blessed thing the Temple of God is! :)
Mother's Day. Sure carries a different meaning. Heavy, some sweetness but mostly heavy, for me anyways. I want people to understand things for me. I want them to know why certain things are just painful for me. They haven't gotten easier, just easier to bear the burden due to the Lord making it lighter. But I soon realized what you've just said, That I don't care anymore. They just won't try and it's too hard to compensate for everyone all the time!
Reading this really made me miss my Naimah... Here I sit crying for us both. I feel so much love for you and Mercy. So much. It will be really nice to talk again. We haven't in a while. Your so wonderful. Your so brave for what you share. I admire that...I've been to chicken to share lately, but you've inspired me to quit ignoring it. Always thinking of you on my knees as well as at the Temple. ;) Love you Ashley. xoxoxo
You are so strong and i dont know how you do it, i look up to you and your sister so much, i always have, I honestly hope one day to be as strong as you are now. this made me cry and i just want you to know that you are in my prayers always.
Give grammie My love, It's an honor to know her. I have so many fond memories of her and the talks we used to have even when we were so young. I'm here for you if you need anything i.e shoulder,punching bag, friends...Love ya!
Ash, you are the best mommy that I know and deserve the greatest peace and blessings that can come on a day such as Mother's Day. Mother's Day was created for women with your heart, your love, and your devotion. Few will ever understand the path you have have had to walk. Few will know the sorrow that it brings... and continues to bring. And few will know the joy of one such as Mercy in their lives. Keep being exactly who you are, an inspiration to those who know you and who love you enough to try to understand and make sense of your beautiful, complicated grief. Love you always.
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