Thoughts from Deep Down

Perhaps my last post was a little.... hmmm, some might say "ignorant" or "bold". Let me clarify.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. And, to try to put into words what I FEEL is never a true success. It's very difficult to articulate my feelings.

So, for the sake of clarification, I wanted to add a little bit.

I'm tired of the current culture leaning toward the idea that giving less than 100% in EVERYTHING is okay. I have had enough of it. I'm so tired of the commitments, and then to have things fall short... not because it was unavoidable, but because of laziness.

I'm tired of this attitude when it comes to working people... especially those who are employed, BY CHOICE, in the life-and-death scenarios. I get that we all have bad days... but CONSISTENTLY having bad days is a very stupid excuse for laziness.

Nic and I saw it too often while Mercydez was in the hospital. Doctors, nurses, therapists, WHOEVER, there simply for the paycheck. I know, I know. Bills have to be paid. BUT, if you are there simply for a paycheck, DO YOU HAVE TO GO INTO A FIELD WHERE CARE AND COMPASSION ARE REQUIRED??? Please don't. Just spare those who are enduring indescribable hardship. Choose a career that deals with computers, food, anything. Just, don't put our children, our spouses, our FAMILIES at risk because you want to be rich. SPARE ME.

This is why I want to be a nurse. Because I've experienced good nurses and I've definitely experienced BAD nurses. Nurses who had "great levels of education", who quite frankly, are dumber than a box of rocks. I am determined to be the best, because I KNOW what it means, first hand. I'm grateful to Emilee, Josette, Moira, Jennifer, Deidra... and many more. I'm grateful they CHOOSE to give more than 100%. I want to be like them.

Now, on to my other "bold" statements... Should a Mother have an education? I think if it's possible, then yes. Of course! But, let me tell you, I stand firm for Mothers. I stand FOR them. It seems like Motherhood and being a GOOD WIFE are mocked. Let me tell you something... I worked for over 8 years with a company full of many great people. I've been there, done that. I've been working on my education. No, I'm not a graduate, but I'm trying.

But, through all these "successes", I have never felt more successful, or more happy, then when I have been a mother. I have never been happier. Nic is my forever Love and I'm so grateful for him. He has given me all of my dreams. He has stood by me, he has lifted me, he has held me up when I haven't been strong enough to stand on my own. He is my hero and I love him with ALL of my heart. I have never been happier then when he and I, together, stood by our angel girl. Our teamwork of husband and wife, daddy and mommy, have brought me more joy then a bunch of classes and a certificate of "achievement" ever could. This is my vision. This is who I love being.

Loosing my little girl has been so emotional, so difficult for me. I know I'm a forever Mommy. I know families are eternal. But, I signed up to be a mommy NOW, here on this earth. I signed up to raise a beautiful daughter. This is who I want to be. I'm excited to go to school, but my heart aches to be a mommy.

And I'm not saying that my idea of "success" should be the same for everyone. I'm just saying, this is who I am. And I'm so grateful.

I am so in love with my husband. Nic is "number one in my parade". I look forward to the day when our little family will grow. I look forward to the day when I will, again, be a mommy on this earth. I look forward to the day when strangers around me will look at me and know I'm a mommy. I just miss my girl. I miss Nic and I sitting on the couch, reading a book to Mercydez, doing sign language to communicate with her, kissing her neck and cheeks.

I am grateful I am a wife and mother. To me, there is no greater success.