Power of Music

We were deeply touched by the choirs at Utah Valley University. They had a concert Friday night at Temple Square and they dedicated it to our sweet little princess, Mercydez. It was so beautiful. I found myself crying. I am a lover of music. Music is powerful. Many will argue that music doesn't influence a person to do or be a certain way. I disagree. I believe that music is POWER.

I loved "The Lord is My Shepherd". It was beautiful and so touching. I just cried... beautiful.

There was one other piece that just... it was beautiful. It's called "Sing Me To Heaven". It made me reflect on the moments surrounding Mercydez's passing. That is a tender place in my heart that I don't allow myself to visit frequently. It's too hard. It's a sacred place to visit, and more than anything I want to visit. I just can't frequent it too much or I ache too deeply. But, that song was powerful.

We are doing well. I ask myself, "What does 'well' mean?" To be honest, I don't know. Sometimes it means we are happy. Sometimes it means we are sad. Sometimes it means we just are. Again, it's hard to explain.

...speaking of music, I wanted to spread the word... Paul Cardall (click on his name for more info) is a musician from around here (Utah). He belongs to our Heart Group and he is awaiting a heart transplant.



There is benefit concert going on in his behalf on Monday, April 6th. Peter Breinholt, Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband, and Kurt Bestor will be some of those performing that night. All proceeds are being donated to Paul Cardall. If you are interested in attending, you can purchase tickets by clicking HERE. We have been greatly blessed by those around us, I just want to help spread the word that the opportunity to help another in need is at the door.

Nic and I are hoping to attend.

Thank you for your prayers. We have felt them.

We want you to know, we do not doubt that families are eternal in nature. Our little Mercydez still lives. We will see her again.

I don't really know what to write.

Mercydez has changed us. I know she has changed so many. I'm so deeply grateful for her. She taught us so much... so much.

We are doing okay. It's a very strange place to be... our entire lives were centered on this sweet, perfect little girl who stole our hearts.

Nic has courageously gone back to work. I love him so much. I have such a wonderful, kind, perfect husband. I know where Mercydez got her perfection from. Nic is incredible in every way. He is unwavering. He is so centered on doing what is RIGHT. I am amazed by him. I mean every word of that. I am deeply amazed by him.

I have been blessed with the gift of being a mother since Mercydez was born. Nic worked so hard so that I could have my dream (and his dream too) of being a stay-at-home mom. I have truly loved every minute of it. It has been hard... but I have never felt so much satisfaction and happiness. I love being a mommy. We are both excited for the day, when it is right, when we will have more wonderful children.

We aren't rushing anything.

I'm not rushing anything. Nic is so good to give me all the time I need to work through... this. I don't think we will ever be "healed". We will always miss Mercydez. We are just so grateful for the 14 1/2 miraculous months we had with our Angel.

Heavenly Father has truly blessed us. We feel so much happiness! We know, without question, that Mercydez is JOYFUL. She is joyful, so we are joyful. She is free, so we are free. It's hard to explain... Heavenly Father has blessed us to feel a sliver of the heavenly happiness she is experiencing. I'm grateful for this priceless gift.

I wanted to post Mercy's eulogy. Writing it was a very sacred experience... as was just being in her presence... Sacred. Holy. Joyful.



Mercydez's Eulogy
Our Miracle

If we could use one word to describe our little girl, it would have to be the word charity. Mercydez lead a life of selfless service. We often say she taught us so many valuable lessons and she never spoke a word. She is a true teacher. She is a true missionary.

Mercydez has strengthened our testimony of The Gospel of Jesus Christ. Families truly are eternal. The miracle of death is that it isn’t the end. This is true. Death is not the end.

Mercydez taught us to rely on our Father in Heaven. She taught us faith: faith to make it through the unknown; faith that the future would be and WILL BE okay; faith that Heavenly Father knows more than man. Heavenly Father is greatly involved in His children’s lives. He wants to gently guide us… but He can’t unless we allow Him to. There were many times we were told by medical professionals that Mercydez wouldn’t make it. There were many times that things seemed like more than one small baby girl could handle. But, with the Lords help, she followed through. She carried her cross with dignity. There were two specific times, once in April and once in October, when it looked like her time on earth was coming to an end. Life support was removed with the anticipation that she wouldn’t make it. The miracle was that she did make it. She pulled through. Her spirit fought. Even when great odds were against her, this princess fought.

Mercydez taught us that life is about the simple moments. There was one day when our sweet Mercydez was in the NICU and we had just come in to visit with her. We asked the nurse on shift how things were going and if there was anything new to report. She simply told us that Mercydez was doing well… now. Earlier in the shift, Mercydez was just enjoying her day looking up at her big “bouquet” of toys hanging above her. Within this bouquet was a small ball with tiny mirrors glued to cover it, so it resembled a disco ball. There was also a small purple momma elephant with a baby elephant attached. There were many other toys too. The nurse checked on Mercydez and thought to herself, “Surely Mercydez must be bored. I think I’ll rotate her toys and give her something new to look at.” So, the nurse rotated Mercydez’s toys. Suddenly Mercydez was upset and crying. The nurse thought to check her diaper and she checked all the monitors and machines around Mercydez. She checked to make sure Mercydez wasn’t laying on anything uncomfortable. Still, Mercydez was upset. Finally the nurse thought to rotate the toys back around so that the elephant and the disco ball were within plain view for Mercydez. Instantly, Mercydez calmed and was as happy as could be! She just wanted her favorite toys! Although somewhat silly, this story has taught us a great deal. There may be many pleasurable things surrounding you. There may be many choices presenting themselves to you, offering happiness. There can be many “fillers” around you, promising to make your life successful and full. Mercydez taught us that happiness doesn’t come from big, extravagant things. Happiness comes from small, simple truths. Happiness comes in knowing that we truly will have our Mercydez with us again. We will have the opportunity to watch her grow. We will have the opportunity to talk with her, play with her, love her. Happiness comes in knowing that she won’t miss out on these experiences. She will have them.

We strongly believe that Mercydez volunteered for the life she experienced. She knew it would be hard. She knew she would hurt, she would suffer, and she would be different in so many ways. She came into this world ready. She faced every challenge with great courage.

Mercydez taught us to communicate. Her care was extremely detailed. She required focused attention. She required it because she needed it… but she also required it because she wanted it. Truly though, she taught us the value of communication. Our little girl never went a moment without being held, hugged, kissed, or loved in some way. She delighted in being held and snuggled. However, if Daddy wanted to kiss her, he had better be clean shaven! Or else! She would kind of shiver and then she let you know.

Night time seemed to be her fussy time. She didn’t really enjoy the evenings. Perhaps it was because her little body was tired and achy. Perhaps it was just because she was a little baby. She was a morning person. Come about 5:00 each night, she would start to express her disapproval. She would start out slow… maybe just a crinkle of the nose and eye brows. Then her mouth would turn down, ever so slightly. She would start to breathe heavy enough that she was whimpering, minus the voice. Then, a few minutes later, her little voice would kick in. She would start light and then work her way to full-on disgust. How dare we take her to the table for dinner? How dare we snuggle with her and watch a movie? She was the sweetest little girl.

She learned to communicate in ways we never imagined. As odd as it sounds, she had different coughs. There was one night when Mercydez was put to bed in her crib. Her feeding pump was turned on for the continuous night feed. Mommy crawled into bed next to Daddy, ready for a good night’s sleep. But, oh no! Mercydez coughed. And she coughed. And she coughed. Mommy got up and checked the feeding pump and the GTube. Everything seemed fine. So, Mommy kissed her and said goodnight. Mommy took the one or two steps to her bed and crawled back in. Cough. Cough. Cough. Then quiet for a moment. Mommy was still in bed. Merydez wanted Mommy. Cough. Cough. Cough. Mommy had had enough! Up she went. She took the one or two steps to the crib and, although extremely tired, couldn’t help but chuckle at the stubbornness of her little sweet pea. Mercydez finally fell into a deep sleep once Mommy put her in bed with her and Daddy. We now call Mommy and Daddy’s bed “Mercy’s Bed”.

Mercydez taught us to enjoy down-time. There would be many times when Daddy would come home from a hard-days work and he would be so tired. All Daddy wanted was to hold and snuggle with his little girl (Mommy was often times a Merydez-hog). So, Daddy would lay on the bed with his little girl snuggled up to him on his chest. Many times Daddy would fall asleep. Mommy was always amazed to walk in and find Mercydez, content and calm as can be, just enjoying the moment of being with her Daddy. Anyone who saw Mercydez with her Daddy knew without a doubt that she loved him greatly. We had another joke that Mercydez would rather snuggle all day then eat. She was happiest in the arms of loved ones, especially her Mommy and Daddy.

Mercy taught us to respect the way others communicate. A person may not be able to speak to you the way you speak to them, a person may not be able to hear what you hear or see what you see. It brings to mind the Primary song “If You Don’t Walk As Most People Do”. Let me quote it for you:



If you don’t walk as most people do
Some people walk away from you.
But, I won’t. I won’t.
If you don’t talk as most people do.
Some people talk and laugh at you.
But I won’t, I won’t
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.
Jesus walked away from none.
He gave His love to everyone.
So I will. I Will.
Jesus blessed all He could see
Then turned and said, “Come follow me.”
So, I will. I will.
I will. I will.
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.

Mercydez was one of those talked about in this song. Thank you for walking and talking with our little one. We truly believe “If you do it unto the least of these my brethren you have done it unto [God].”

As mentioned before, Mercydez had several ways of communicating. Included was the tongue wave, kicking her legs like she was riding a bike, flailing her arms about, or melting in your arms. She taught us that, in the end, we all have feelings, likes and dislikes. Mercydez taught us to love and respect others, no matter their verbal, hearing, or physical differences. She taught us a new language. She taught us to love others, no matter their form of communication.

Mercydez taught us humor. Mercydez attended her cousins birthday party in February. Mommy and Daddy were so excited to take her! What a fun experience! Daddy was working hard while Mommy was at home, getting things ready as quickly as possible. It was bath day, so Mommy quickly put Mercydez in the bath. After bath-time it was time to put her in her new spring outfit! Mommy couldn’t wait! Then it was time to feed her. While Mercydez was eating, Mommy decided to quickly get herself ready. Well, as soon as Mommy started to get dressed, Mercydez had one of her BIG HUGE sneezes and formula went everywhere! Mercy’s new outfit was soaked. Her clean hair was covered in formula, and her pretty face didn’t miss any of the action either. Mommy was beside herself! She ran from the closet to Mercydez with panic! But, there was Mercydez, calm as can be, just about to give one of her customary after-sneeze-yawns. Mercydez was fine as could be, just quietly waiting for Mommy to come clean up.

Many, many people were changed by Mercydez. She spoke to so many with her spirit. Her beautiful spirit could be seen and felt in her big, brown eyes.

Mercydez has two grandmas, Grandma Millie and Grandma LeAnn who is called Ahma. These two were so good to offer their love and support whenever it was wanted or needed. We are so grateful they were able to gain a close relationship with this amazing little one. Mercydez also has two Grandpa’s, Grandpa Drew and Grandpa Steve who is called Papa. Mercydez never lacked snuggles or kisses from these two. She has them wrapped around her long slender finger. We always joke that Mercydez has two momma’s… Momma Ashley, and Auntie Addy. Auntie Addy would check on Mercydez every morning. She would attend to Mercy’s every need. Many times, Ashley has wondered if Auntie Addy is more of a mommy to Mercy than she is! Mercydez has always been loved by her many cousins and aunts and uncles. She influenced so many.

The final week of Mercy’s life was difficult. She became ill very quickly. There is nothing worse than seeing your child suffer. There is nothing worse than not being able to do a thing about it. Mercydez was patient in her afflictions. She took things one moment at a time. She trusted Heavenly Father. She is a little girl full of faith. She completed her mission with humility and with great spirit. We know, deep in our hearts, that Mercydez never once denied Heavenly Father’s will. She was quick to obey with exactness.

Mercydez was obedient to all Heavenly Father required. As we think of our little girl, we think of the many difficulties she endured. We have often wondered to ourselves, “Why? Why does she have to suffer? What needs to be learned?” The truth is, she didn’t need to learn anything. She was obedient and endured hardship for us. She came to teach us. She came to lead by example. We hope, more than anything, that her life was not lived in vain. We will always honor her. We will always remember her. We want to live the kind of life she lived, a life of charity and love.

We know without a doubt that we are an eternal family. We are so grateful for the miraculous time we had with her. Every day truly was a miracle. We are grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ, who lived, taught, suffered, died, and rose again. His life and teachings have offered so much peace. Because He suffered, died, and rose again, Mercydez will be okay.

Mercydez, we love you with all our hearts. We ache for you. We miss you desperately already. But, we are so happy for you. You are now free from pain and hardship. We hope you will enjoy some time of rest. We hope you are running, dancing, and picking flowers. Thank you for enduring so much so very selflessly.

Thank you to all of you, and many who aren’t here, who have loved, supported, and strengthened us. We are so humbled and so grateful for your kindness.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Sweet Mercy's Obituary

Our sweet, beautiful and perfect Mercydez passed away in the sacred early morning hours on Sunday, March 15th, 2009 due to complications of Complex Congenital Heart Disease.

Mercydez brought a great deal of joy and light when she entered the world on January 3rd, 2008. She blessed her parents, Nic and Ashley Haws, each and every day. She fought and endured a great deal. Mercydez, our Mercy, is a true testimony that our Father in Heaven loves us and grants miracles every day.

Mercydez, our sweet, silly little girl, we love you with all our hearts! We will miss your beautiful personality! We will miss the precious time we had with you! We desperately miss you! We can’t wait to be with you again! Thank you for enduring so much! Thank you for touching and changing the lives of so many!

Funeral services will be Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 at 11:00am at the Sundberg-Olpin Chapel located at 495 South State Street in Orem, Utah. There will be a viewing Tuesday evening from 6:00-8:00pm at the same location and from 9:45-10:45am prior to services. Interment: Provo City Cemetery Angel’s Garden. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the account under Nicholaus & Ashley Haws at any Zions Bank.

Oh, our little Snuggle Bug! How we love you! We can’t wait to hold you in our arms again!

Mercy's Obituary will be run in The Daily Herald and also in The Deseret News tomorrow, Tuesday March 17th, 2009.

Broken Hearts

Bitter or Better? When all is said and done, we ultimately have two choices in life. Through our experiences, trials, heartaches, losses, sorrows…will we become bitter or better?

Our precious Mercydez passed away this morning. Her spirit was released while in the arms of her incredible mother and amazing father. While it was hard, it was beautiful. Our sweet Mercydez has finished her mission on earth. She is worthy to be in the presence of our loving Heavenly Father and our brother, Jesus Christ. We know she will be welcomed with many family members and friends who have passed on. What a great celebration it will be for her!

People like Mercydez become better. Bitterness is never in their hearts or their lives. People like Mercydez hold fast to what they know to be true, the knowledge that there is a God. This God is real and all loving. He is as much a part of the big experiences in life as He is in the small details. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we are able to endure. He knows what we need to experience to become worthy to enter His kingdom, to be in His presence. We need to be molded and shaped. This isn’t done as a punishment; it is done as a gift to us as individuals. How can we become like Him, if we can’t endure and become better? He wants us…He loves us.

How grateful I am that Heavenly Father found us worthy to have an Angel in our midst. This Angel endured every one of her trials. She endured well. Her body was perfect. Her spirit is perfect.

We will honor our sweet baby. We will honor her by living the way she lived. Although this will be a long road, we will walk it with dignity, love, kindness, honesty, patience, and faith. We know there will be moments of deep sorrow and loss. We will allow ourselves to feel while keeping our eye on the big picture. We will become better not bitter.

THERE IS LIFE AFTER DEATH. WE WILL HAVE HER AGAIN. FAMILIES ARE ETERNAL. NIC AND ASH WILL HAVE THE GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO RAISE MERCYDEZ IN THE LIFE HEREAFTER. MERCYDEZ IS STILL ALIVE, IN SPIRIT.

Mercydez, we love you. While our hearts are aching…shattering, we rejoice in your freedom. We rejoice in the knowledge that you are ours forever. Death is not the end, it’s the beginning. We rejoice in the amazing life you lived. We rejoice in you, sweet princess. Oh, how we miss you…

Mercydez

Yesterday was quite a day... lots of ups and downs. Lots of emotion. Let me just start out by saying the bleeding seems to have stopped. Thank goodness.

Her fevers are still here and it's major. We are doing everything we can to keep her comfortable. There are some other things going on... but, I don't want to get into it. Last night we thought her fever had finally broke, but it's back.

There is just so much unknown. We are trying to take it one day at a time... one moment at a time. We are relying upon Heavenly Father.

Thank you for your prayers. We need them. Mercydez especially needs them.

Know that we haven't forgotten those of you who are enduring difficulties right now. We know the power of prayer and the peace, comfort, and miracles it offers. We are still praying for you.

Difficult

You know, the Fall of Adam has had new meaning to me. I have learned, in a great degree although not perfectly, what the Fall means.

I have been stuck in this rut of sorrow and frustration for the last few weeks. It hasn't taken over my life, don't worry... but it has been extremely difficult for me. I'm one who LOVES happiness. I love to be surrounded by happiness and I love to spread happiness. I have a personal mission-statement and part of it is to be an influence for good. I'm trying so hard.

Yesterday was a hard day. Mercydez is still really sick. We have an INCREDIBLE nurse who I also consider family. She is so amazing. I'm so grateful for her. Moira came over last night to check things out. It looks as though Mercydez is somehow getting blood in her tummy. We don't know where it's coming from or how it's developed. All we know is that it causes great discomfort and can cause pain. So, we have been trying to let her "vent it out". We've stopped her formula feeds and we're giving her pedialyte with her meds. Yesterday afternoon was difficult because it felt like she wasn't tolerating ANYTHING. It would either leak out from her GTube or she'd throw it up... interesting, since she had the Nissen done. Hm. Makes me wonder. But, we won't go there. We've also decreased some of her meds and we've stopped all her meds that contain any sort of blood-thinner. Her fevers are still persisting. URRRG!

I can't STAND watching her hurt. I wish so badly I could just FIX IT! This is where I'm being tried. I would do ANYTHING for this little girl. I wish I COULD do anything for her. Nic is amazing. I am so blessed. I feel so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for him. He is so selfless and so giving. He is firmly planted in the Gospel. He has been a great strength to me. He has taught me that The Gospel is the one constant I have. It's unchanging, and for that I am so grateful. I read section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants yesterday. It's so beautiful. It's full of many great promises. It's full of so much comfort.

If it's not too much to ask, would you please say a prayer for my baby? She needs to be comfortable. We are doing all we can, the rest is up to Heavenly Father. This bleeding can be extremely serious... we are hoping she will recover from this. Again, we are trusting our Heavenly Father. Mercydez needs strength. Her body is so compromised. She is not a normal child, in the least degree. I just want her to have enough strength to rest, to endure whatever her mission may be.

Thank you for your friendship and for your love. It means the world to us.

I just don't know

It seems as though these last couple of weeks have been so hard for me. Is it just me or does it feel like there is unhappiness, anger, sorrow, and grief everywhere? It's been surrounding me continually for the last little while. It's been very hard for me. The passing of sweet Gracie Gledhill has truly broken my heart. I hadn't ever met her, but she is special. I just found out another of our sweet heart friends passed away yesterday. She was also born yesterday. Her name is Avery. My heart goes out to her family. I can't imagine the pain of entering the hospital to have a baby, knowing that she has CHD but hoping things will work out... and then to lose her. I can't imagine the sorrow this family is feeling knowing that they will never get to bring their baby "home", knowing that they will be discharged without their little angel, permanently.

It's been hard for me to know that the world continues forward, regardless of these great loses. It is hard for me to know a sweet baby has been lost, yet the person outside, doing their daily running, has no idea. I don't blame them. It just makes me sad.

Mercydez has caught something. I don't know what... but it's been hard for her. I am just praying, praying, praying. I don't know what to think. I don't dare to think anything. I thought she was improving, but last night was horrible. Nic has taken the day off to be at home so that I could sleep. I'm just afraid. I don't like to admit it. I don't like to think about it. Maybe this will pass. Hopefully this will pass.

Great Sorrow

I belong to this wonderful heart group. It's a group of love. It's a group of support. And, although most of us have never met face to face, we are family. So, it's difficult when you hear a "sister family" who is going through a great deal of pain.

My heart is hurting so badly right now. I'm so sorry. It feels so wrong to have a little one struggle so greatly. It feels so wrong to know that nothing more can be done. Why can't more be done? It's so hard. This world, it's so hard. Although there is great joy, there is also great heartache and sorrow. I've come to understand that sorrow is more then just sadness. It's deeper. It's consuming. That is how I'm feeling. I'm feeling it for sweet Gracie. I'm sorry for her family. I'm sorry for her. I wish I could do something for them... but prayers and long-distance love is all I have to give.

It's moments like this that bring my feet back to the ground. One day, it will be my turn. Back in October, I thought it was. But, my sweet little girl miraculously pulled through. It seems like that was so long ago. It seems like that wasn't real... like it never will be real.

Walking hand in hand with life and death truly is a different world. I have learned that life isn't about the next pair of shoes, or the nicer home, or the higher paying job. Life isn't about the most expensive outfit or luxury cars. Life is about family. Life is about love. Life is about serving those in need. Truly, it is.

I am grateful for the truth. I'm grateful for eternal families. I'm grateful to know that, even when it's my turn to say goodbye for a season, it isn't the end. I will have my baby again. Gracie will have her parents again too. I'm so grateful for that.

And so, as this night passes as we are all sleeping, I pray for those who will be awake, holding their sweet baby, and saying goodbye for this season. God be with you.