Just Thinking

I wasn't originally going to write a post today. But, here I am. I read my sister's post and felt so grateful. I just got to thinking about all the wonderful moments I was able to have with my sweet little girl. I'm so grateful.

I went to bed last night dreading what today would bring. My amazing and supportive mom listened to my fears of what today would bring and she had some good ideas on how to "honor" Mercy today. We started out planning a small way to provide service for another in need.

It's interesting, because this stage has brought a lot of emotion and thought. I have never experienced grief to this degree. It is all very unpredictable. And, often times I will find myself instantly changing... be it emotion, tasks, plans, thoughts, etc. Perhaps it's my way of protecting myself. I don't know.

Anyway, we ended up not doing the "acts of service" today. I hate to admit it, but I'm grateful. I don't think I had the steady emotion to do it. I spent the day with my cute little brother, Kolton; my nieces Sam and Lindsay; and my mom. Nic joined us after work. We spent the day doing things that don't require much thought. We saw two movies today. I feel guilty for it. But, I'm keeping myself "hidden" from the emotions I'm not ready to face. Confusing? I'm sure it is. But, it's my reality.

Even with doing the things today that require little or no thought, my mind has constantly been pondering my angel baby. I miss her a great deal. I can't think about it too much. I just miss her. It feels so much like a dream... the fact that she was here. Is that weird? It's okay, I know it is.

One thing that has brought me some comfort is thinking about a sweet little girl who earned her wings a year ago today. Her name is Kynslee. Although I have never met her parents, and I never had the opportunity to meet Kynslee, I have a great love for them. Kynslee's mom, Teea, has offered me a great deal of comfort... she is probably unaware of the strength she has offered me. I am grateful. Thinking about Kynslee has made today a bit better, in an indescribable way.

Sweet Mercydez, I love you. My mind has thought back to a year ago when you so faithfully knew what was to come and you endured. My mind has taken be back to those heart-shattering moments when I was at your bedside, looking into your eyes and crying the tears you couldn't. I'm so sorry baby girl. I'm so sorry for all you endured. I am a changed person because of you. Oh, how I love my princess, my sweet pea, my sweetie pie. We miss you.