Yeah, we're trying. For the most part, we've been very successful at staying busy. We've (by "we", I mean, Nic and Trav. I simply watch.) taken on a project of remodeling our bathroom. Wow. It's a task. But, we're getting there. We've had some not-so-wonderful bathroom adventures (and this time, by "we", I mean, ME)! But, it's a good project.
Being busy is both a blessing and a curse. I love it, but I hate it. You know, the numbness is slowly starting to wear off. I'm starting to actually realize that my sweet little girl really isn't just laying in her crib, isn't just eating, isn't here. It's really hard.
I'm reading this beautiful book called "Joy Cometh In the Morning". It is so perfectly written. It is me. It's written by a mom who lost her little boy. And she just nails it right on...
The numbness.
The sorrow.
The anger.
The joy.
The aching.
The yearning.
Grief is complicated... and unfortunately, rarely understood. Things seem okay on the outside... but on the inside, it's chaos. And, something that is so hard and so frustrating is that others expect you to just move on. HOW CAN I?
This is a really difficult time, in so many ways. I think back to a year ago... oh, what was I thinking? I think back to a month ago... again, what was I thinking?
Saturday nights are really hard.
I want to be that happy person again. I want to have that simple happiness.
But, I miss my baby. And I don't want to hear that things will be okay. I don't want to hear that I can have happiness again. I am still happy. I just ache.
I wonder what my angel is doing? Probably dancing and picking flowers.
Guys' Trip
5 years ago
16 comments:
Could you please email me your address to scrappymeggie at gmail dot com? I have something I've been wanting to send to you.
I always felt like everyone was telling me to have faith and hope and optimism when I was crying; and when I was cheerful and mellow, they would tell me it was ok to cry and I didn't have to be strong. What. a. rollercoaster. You guys are in my prayers.
My heart is so sad for you. You and Nic know that families are forever! You have the gospel. You have the knowledge of eternal perfection.
My heart truely aches for families that don't have that.
Mercydez is up in heaven... dancing, singing, laughing, playing... and watching over her mommy and daddy!
I think my cold is on it's way out. I made some homemade chicken noodle soup today (for the first time!) and I think I'm getting better. I think I've found the cure for the common cold. Chocolate and Dr. Pepper. :) I'm going to go to the hospital with my Grandma tomorrow but I probably won't hold her. I can't wait to though!
I wish I could hug you and cry with you. It hurts so bad. I'm glad you are reading. I also enjoyed that book. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I don't. We love you!
Melissa
I wish that I had some words of wisdom or advice that would magically make everything go away. I wish that some of these "earthly" experiences didn't exist. And more than anything, I wish your heart didn't ache so much. My mom lost my sister as a toddler and while the numbness eventually went away, I don't think there was ever a day that Sarah wasn't on her mind or that something Mom saw triggered a memory of her.
You are both in our thoughts and prayers.
Ashley & Nic (& Adrienne & Trav & all the rest of the fam for that matter) I was reading my scriptures yesterday morning and I read this scripture ... you & Mercy were what popped into my mind and I feel like I need to share it with you.
Jacob 3:1-2
1 BUT behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.
2 O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever.
I really felt His love for you while I prayed for you then ... I feel his love for you now and I know that the promise made in this scripture is SURE! You have been a great example of faithfulness and you'll be blessed for it. I love you and you are in my prayers.
Remember what you told me? Crying is not a sign of weakness. I remember that every time I get down or sad. It is very hard, but I am glad you are keeping yourself busy. You really summed it up about the grief thing. I think in a way we are all going through a world wind of emotions. Ever since we found out about Kylie's heart it has been so difficult for me knowing, she will never be normal and knowing the doctors have no clue on how long she will live, my Dad told me once that all of the emotions are probably like grieving. In a way they are, I look at my 2 nieces that are only 1 months older, they have no idea what it is like and the trials we go through.
Ashley,
You are such a strong person and I know you are doing great, like Andrea said you have a testimony that families are forever. That right there is HUGE. I know your little one is dancing, playing, watching her Mommy and Daddy, the big thing is you know she is not in pain and doesn't have any pain in the future, I bet she is so close to you guys. You are so strong and are such an example to me. Thank you.
Chrissie
Ash,
I love you.
Mom
My sister passed away 28 hours after birth. That was 27 years ago. My mom still says the hardest thing for her was being told to "deal with it!" She say's that nobody can tell you how to feel. She said it takes awhile, but eventually you do start to deal with it, and then it gets easier and easier. She says she still aches to this day for Shelby, but that it's a peaceful ache, not a painful one like it used to be. I can't imagine what you're going through, but know that you are not alone. You guys are in my prayers!
I am so glad I found your blog. I wish I had something comforting to say, but I am not to good with words. Without belittling you hurt, I just want you to know I hurt for you too. Once you're a mother you are always a mother.
Love you.
I found your blog via the Angel Forum on IHH. I just lost my daughter on March 10th and was deeply saddened to hear about Mercydez passing so close to Avery's. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and I wanted to contact you sooner but have been so consumed in my own sorrows and sadness that I felt like I couldn't reach out yet. I am still searching for peace and acceptance, I try every moment of everyday to find ways to deal with the grief and sometimes it just doesn't happen. I do feel stronger and stronger but yet weaker and weaker. I am sure you understand...sometimes words just can't quite explain it.
Ashley you are my favorite person! We just love you and hurt with you. I don't think this is something that you can just get over. The grief is real and I'm sure you are missing every moment with that sweet angel of yours. Take your time to heal-whatever that means. Know that you are not alone in this. There are so many people who love you and your family. There is not a day that goes by that we don't think of you. We will keep praying for you. I hope to see you soon!
Hey, I'm not sure if you would remember me, back when you knew me I was Sarah Blackett, but that was a long time ago :-)
I happened to stumble across your blog and I just want to express to you how sorry I am for your loss. I'll definitely keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I just wanted you to know that I've thought of you often since coming across your blog. Sending hugs and love from a far.
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