Thinking Back

A year ago today, Nic and I put into course the deeply painful decision to remove life support from our sweet baby girl. Oh, I remember those moments. I felt so sick. I felt like I was going to loose it. I wasn't ready, but I also knew it was what was supposed to happen.

A year ago today, nearly a year ago from this moment, life support was removed. It was the most terrifying moment. We were told she most-likely wouldn't make it.

But she did. She danced with Daddy. We took pictures as a family.





She made it.

And we brought her home on May 1st. We expected her to live for only a few days, if that long. She made it much longer than that.

And, in my mind, she is still a survivor. She lived a life centered on our Father in Heaven. She is our miracle. She is a perfect example of living a Christ-like life. "How?" you might ask... the truth is, I can't explain it. She and I communicated, spirit to spirit. There is no other way to explain.

A year ago, my little girl taught me a humility of the heart and spirit. She taught me that, even against all odds, with God, all things are possible.

I love you Baby Girl.

And Yet More Fun Was Had

Me at the Las Vegas Temple this morning. It was so beautiful! The Celestial Room was stunning! I'm so glad we were able to go! I've never been to that temple before.



We saw Cirque Du Soliel's Mystere last night. It was a good show! I wasn't WILD about it, but I enjoyed it! Those people are absolutely amazing! It was fun to be there. This is a pic of us after the show... the point was to get the stage in the background... but it didn't work. Ahwell!



Me and my mom at Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay on Tuesday. It was such a cool exhibit and we met some amazing people. I want to share their story, but when I have the time to give their story the honor and credit they deserve. I don't want it to be a rush thing.



Me and Grandma in front of the Jelly Fish exhibit at the Shark Reef Aquarium. I've actually been stung by jelly fish... TWICE! It hurt sooooooo bad, and the jelly fish were so tiny!



Mom and Grandma by the Lion Fish. These are pretty cool lookin' creatures.



We got to pet these sting rays. It pretty much felt like a tough piece of raw chicken. I was scared to touch the little guy... but I found the courage to do it! Ha!



Me and Mom. I sure love my mom. It was so nice to spend some time with her. My mom is my hero. She is an amazing woman. I honestly want to be like her. She is such an inspiration.



Me and Grandma, eatin' some grub at Borders Grill at Mandalay Bay. They were okay. I loved the atmosphere though. It was perfect weather outside and we REALLY enjoyed our watermelon lemonade. YUMMY! Oh, and do you see that glass with water in it? Well, just thought you'd like to know... it's FILTERED water. So, they charged us for it. SUCH a joke! Ahwell, it's Vegas. Everything there is a rip-off. :)



Me, doing something I love to do....... SHOPPING! WAHOO! My grandma thought it was so funny that I was trying on dresses and keeping all my clothes on. She wanted me to take a picture showing that my jeans were still on, even though I was trying on a dress! I love my Grandma! She's sooooo funny!

Vegas was TONS of fun! I'm so grateful I was able to go and hang out with two beautiful, amazing, and SUPER fun ladies! I love you guys! Thanks for such a good time!

Three Generations of Crazies... Just Chillin'

So, I'm down in Vegas with my mom and my grandma! It's been lots of fun and very relaxing. I've greatly enjoyed it so far. We ate at an AMAZING Japanese Restaurant tonight called "Nobu"... Mmmmm! It was soooo good! I HIGHLY recommend it! We had a couple of dishes similar to sushi, except, not sushi. It's called sashimi (saw-she-me). It's pretty much just thin slivers of raw fish with delicious flavors.

I know, I'm adventurous.

It was amazingly delicious.

Anyway, we're only down here for another day-and-a-half. Tomorrow's gonna be a fun day, I'm excited!


Me and Grandma, chillin' by the pool. I know, I'm a white girl... a VERY white girl. But, I parade my fair skin with pride! I LOVE SUNSCREEN! We actually saw a couple people hanging out by the pool and it brought to my mind the word "leather". I never want to look like that. Ug.

I miss you Love! Here's a pic, just for you.... sending you some smoochie-boochies! Can't wait to see you!


Addy and Grammie, I miss the heck outta you too. There's some extra lovin' in that pic for you. Wish you were here.

PS Here is a CLASSIC conversation with my grandma... as we were driving down the strip very late last night (Sunday night)...

Grandma: Hey, look at that store. What do you think they sell?

Me/My Mom: I dunno.

Grandma: Oh. (Pause) Well, look at that store. What do you think THEY sell?

Me/My Mom: Um, I dunno.

Grandma: Oooooh! Look at THAT store. It says "Hawaiian Market Place". Do you think they sell Hawaiian.... (pause to look at me and my mom)

Mom and I were laughing hysterically at this point.

Grandma: ...Food?

Me/My Mom: I dunno! Maybe they sell Chinese food!

Needless to say, we've had TONS of laughs, mostly at my grandma's expense.

PSS Congrats to my BESTEST FRIEND who found out she's having a BOY!!! I SO guessed it!

PSSS I've decided that, yes, Vegas is fun. However, I'm not a "Vegas Person". This isn't intended to offend anyone who frequently frequents (ha!) Vegas. I'm just letting you know so that if you ever wanted to buy me a vacation, I MUCH MUCH MUCH prefer cruises. Princess please.

Oh, not me.

The cruise-line.

Just Thinking

I wasn't originally going to write a post today. But, here I am. I read my sister's post and felt so grateful. I just got to thinking about all the wonderful moments I was able to have with my sweet little girl. I'm so grateful.

I went to bed last night dreading what today would bring. My amazing and supportive mom listened to my fears of what today would bring and she had some good ideas on how to "honor" Mercy today. We started out planning a small way to provide service for another in need.

It's interesting, because this stage has brought a lot of emotion and thought. I have never experienced grief to this degree. It is all very unpredictable. And, often times I will find myself instantly changing... be it emotion, tasks, plans, thoughts, etc. Perhaps it's my way of protecting myself. I don't know.

Anyway, we ended up not doing the "acts of service" today. I hate to admit it, but I'm grateful. I don't think I had the steady emotion to do it. I spent the day with my cute little brother, Kolton; my nieces Sam and Lindsay; and my mom. Nic joined us after work. We spent the day doing things that don't require much thought. We saw two movies today. I feel guilty for it. But, I'm keeping myself "hidden" from the emotions I'm not ready to face. Confusing? I'm sure it is. But, it's my reality.

Even with doing the things today that require little or no thought, my mind has constantly been pondering my angel baby. I miss her a great deal. I can't think about it too much. I just miss her. It feels so much like a dream... the fact that she was here. Is that weird? It's okay, I know it is.

One thing that has brought me some comfort is thinking about a sweet little girl who earned her wings a year ago today. Her name is Kynslee. Although I have never met her parents, and I never had the opportunity to meet Kynslee, I have a great love for them. Kynslee's mom, Teea, has offered me a great deal of comfort... she is probably unaware of the strength she has offered me. I am grateful. Thinking about Kynslee has made today a bit better, in an indescribable way.

Sweet Mercydez, I love you. My mind has thought back to a year ago when you so faithfully knew what was to come and you endured. My mind has taken be back to those heart-shattering moments when I was at your bedside, looking into your eyes and crying the tears you couldn't. I'm so sorry baby girl. I'm so sorry for all you endured. I am a changed person because of you. Oh, how I love my princess, my sweet pea, my sweetie pie. We miss you.

The Future is as Bright as Your Faith

Of course, my mind has been on my sweet angel girl. How I miss her. I can't even explain. I am grateful that I am able to have a constant joy in her behalf, however. I also can't explain what that means. I am just so grateful that she is free from her many, many earthly struggles. She struggled a great deal. She is my valiant warrior. I feel so blessed to have had her in my life for as long as I did.

I haven't really said much about General Conference. I was greatly touched by the messages delivered. I was strengthened ten-fold by President Monson's talk "Be of Good Cheer". If these amazing people from the past were strong enough to make it through the trials spoken of, then surely I can make it through my trials. This, to me, is testimony of how our ancestors can truly strengthen us TODAY. All the messages delivered were powerful. Each message was needed. But, President Monson's talk just pierced me to the core.

Elder Richard G. Scott had a beautiful talk as well. I didn't know, until he spoke, that he had lost a child to heart disease. What a beautiful message for so many. My heart just ached as I listened to him speak. Although our Father's plan is perfect, it isn't easy. It is so difficult. It is difficult because we must be tested and tried. We have to prove ourselves faithful.


This pic was taken last March 25th. She loved to hold on to her little rattle toy!

I think back to a year ago. A year ago my little girl was still at PCMC. We were just a couple of days away from her "G-tube/Nissen" surgery, which would allow her to come home. We were so excited. We were so scared. Another surgery? Well, if it meant coming home... ... ... The devastations caused from that surgery will forever torture me. Oh, how my little girl suffered, because of a choice I MADE. She didn't make it. I DID. Did I do it to hurt her? Absolutely not. I did it because I wanted the best for her. I look back, though, and I ache. Before that surgery... she could blink; she could close her eyes while she slept; she could move her arms and her legs freely; she could move her eyes and FOCUS; her brain was developing "normally" (that word means nothing to me); April 15th will always be a hard day for me... that was the day I handed my baby over and she suffered because of it. I have so much anguish and frustration because of that stupid choice I made. I don't doubt the necessity of that choice... it prepared ME for what was to come (I knew what was to come, I just WOULDN'T allow myself to trust it). I am so angry though because my daughter had to suffer so that I would learn obedience... strick, exact obedience. I hold myself accountable for this... This all probably only makes sense to me. Just, hold your child(ren) close and give them hugs and kisses. Live in the moment, for these moments disappear all too quickly.

April 15th is also the "month anniversary" of Mercy's passing. It's going to be a hard day. It's already hard. Her meds still sit here. Her diapers, her crib, her clothes, her wipe-warmer, her little mobile. Part of me says it's time to start cleaning things up. Another part of me says I can't....

I feel as though the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ, has been my saving grace... not just these past weeks, but from the very beginning. At this Easter time, I am grateful to have the Truth to reflect upon. I am grateful for my Resurrected Christ. If He didn't conquer the grave in this way, then death would surely be the end of us. I testify that because of our Savior, Jesus Christ, death is NOT the end. I have felt the reality of the "Spirit World". I have felt the sacred truth... death is not the end.

This is the true meaning of this time of year.

Happy Easter.

Laughing So Hard I'm Crying

For all you Twilight lovers out there... watch with a tissue. Oh, this nails the cheesiness RIGHT ON! It's a good laugh... especially when you're in desperate need of one.

Staying Busy

Yeah, we're trying. For the most part, we've been very successful at staying busy. We've (by "we", I mean, Nic and Trav. I simply watch.) taken on a project of remodeling our bathroom. Wow. It's a task. But, we're getting there. We've had some not-so-wonderful bathroom adventures (and this time, by "we", I mean, ME)! But, it's a good project.

Being busy is both a blessing and a curse. I love it, but I hate it. You know, the numbness is slowly starting to wear off. I'm starting to actually realize that my sweet little girl really isn't just laying in her crib, isn't just eating, isn't here. It's really hard.

I'm reading this beautiful book called "Joy Cometh In the Morning". It is so perfectly written. It is me. It's written by a mom who lost her little boy. And she just nails it right on...

The numbness.
The sorrow.
The anger.
The joy.
The aching.
The yearning.

Grief is complicated... and unfortunately, rarely understood. Things seem okay on the outside... but on the inside, it's chaos. And, something that is so hard and so frustrating is that others expect you to just move on. HOW CAN I?

This is a really difficult time, in so many ways. I think back to a year ago... oh, what was I thinking? I think back to a month ago... again, what was I thinking?

Saturday nights are really hard.

I want to be that happy person again. I want to have that simple happiness.

But, I miss my baby. And I don't want to hear that things will be okay. I don't want to hear that I can have happiness again. I am still happy. I just ache.

I wonder what my angel is doing? Probably dancing and picking flowers.