I don't really know what to write.

Mercydez has changed us. I know she has changed so many. I'm so deeply grateful for her. She taught us so much... so much.

We are doing okay. It's a very strange place to be... our entire lives were centered on this sweet, perfect little girl who stole our hearts.

Nic has courageously gone back to work. I love him so much. I have such a wonderful, kind, perfect husband. I know where Mercydez got her perfection from. Nic is incredible in every way. He is unwavering. He is so centered on doing what is RIGHT. I am amazed by him. I mean every word of that. I am deeply amazed by him.

I have been blessed with the gift of being a mother since Mercydez was born. Nic worked so hard so that I could have my dream (and his dream too) of being a stay-at-home mom. I have truly loved every minute of it. It has been hard... but I have never felt so much satisfaction and happiness. I love being a mommy. We are both excited for the day, when it is right, when we will have more wonderful children.

We aren't rushing anything.

I'm not rushing anything. Nic is so good to give me all the time I need to work through... this. I don't think we will ever be "healed". We will always miss Mercydez. We are just so grateful for the 14 1/2 miraculous months we had with our Angel.

Heavenly Father has truly blessed us. We feel so much happiness! We know, without question, that Mercydez is JOYFUL. She is joyful, so we are joyful. She is free, so we are free. It's hard to explain... Heavenly Father has blessed us to feel a sliver of the heavenly happiness she is experiencing. I'm grateful for this priceless gift.

I wanted to post Mercy's eulogy. Writing it was a very sacred experience... as was just being in her presence... Sacred. Holy. Joyful.



Mercydez's Eulogy
Our Miracle

If we could use one word to describe our little girl, it would have to be the word charity. Mercydez lead a life of selfless service. We often say she taught us so many valuable lessons and she never spoke a word. She is a true teacher. She is a true missionary.

Mercydez has strengthened our testimony of The Gospel of Jesus Christ. Families truly are eternal. The miracle of death is that it isn’t the end. This is true. Death is not the end.

Mercydez taught us to rely on our Father in Heaven. She taught us faith: faith to make it through the unknown; faith that the future would be and WILL BE okay; faith that Heavenly Father knows more than man. Heavenly Father is greatly involved in His children’s lives. He wants to gently guide us… but He can’t unless we allow Him to. There were many times we were told by medical professionals that Mercydez wouldn’t make it. There were many times that things seemed like more than one small baby girl could handle. But, with the Lords help, she followed through. She carried her cross with dignity. There were two specific times, once in April and once in October, when it looked like her time on earth was coming to an end. Life support was removed with the anticipation that she wouldn’t make it. The miracle was that she did make it. She pulled through. Her spirit fought. Even when great odds were against her, this princess fought.

Mercydez taught us that life is about the simple moments. There was one day when our sweet Mercydez was in the NICU and we had just come in to visit with her. We asked the nurse on shift how things were going and if there was anything new to report. She simply told us that Mercydez was doing well… now. Earlier in the shift, Mercydez was just enjoying her day looking up at her big “bouquet” of toys hanging above her. Within this bouquet was a small ball with tiny mirrors glued to cover it, so it resembled a disco ball. There was also a small purple momma elephant with a baby elephant attached. There were many other toys too. The nurse checked on Mercydez and thought to herself, “Surely Mercydez must be bored. I think I’ll rotate her toys and give her something new to look at.” So, the nurse rotated Mercydez’s toys. Suddenly Mercydez was upset and crying. The nurse thought to check her diaper and she checked all the monitors and machines around Mercydez. She checked to make sure Mercydez wasn’t laying on anything uncomfortable. Still, Mercydez was upset. Finally the nurse thought to rotate the toys back around so that the elephant and the disco ball were within plain view for Mercydez. Instantly, Mercydez calmed and was as happy as could be! She just wanted her favorite toys! Although somewhat silly, this story has taught us a great deal. There may be many pleasurable things surrounding you. There may be many choices presenting themselves to you, offering happiness. There can be many “fillers” around you, promising to make your life successful and full. Mercydez taught us that happiness doesn’t come from big, extravagant things. Happiness comes from small, simple truths. Happiness comes in knowing that we truly will have our Mercydez with us again. We will have the opportunity to watch her grow. We will have the opportunity to talk with her, play with her, love her. Happiness comes in knowing that she won’t miss out on these experiences. She will have them.

We strongly believe that Mercydez volunteered for the life she experienced. She knew it would be hard. She knew she would hurt, she would suffer, and she would be different in so many ways. She came into this world ready. She faced every challenge with great courage.

Mercydez taught us to communicate. Her care was extremely detailed. She required focused attention. She required it because she needed it… but she also required it because she wanted it. Truly though, she taught us the value of communication. Our little girl never went a moment without being held, hugged, kissed, or loved in some way. She delighted in being held and snuggled. However, if Daddy wanted to kiss her, he had better be clean shaven! Or else! She would kind of shiver and then she let you know.

Night time seemed to be her fussy time. She didn’t really enjoy the evenings. Perhaps it was because her little body was tired and achy. Perhaps it was just because she was a little baby. She was a morning person. Come about 5:00 each night, she would start to express her disapproval. She would start out slow… maybe just a crinkle of the nose and eye brows. Then her mouth would turn down, ever so slightly. She would start to breathe heavy enough that she was whimpering, minus the voice. Then, a few minutes later, her little voice would kick in. She would start light and then work her way to full-on disgust. How dare we take her to the table for dinner? How dare we snuggle with her and watch a movie? She was the sweetest little girl.

She learned to communicate in ways we never imagined. As odd as it sounds, she had different coughs. There was one night when Mercydez was put to bed in her crib. Her feeding pump was turned on for the continuous night feed. Mommy crawled into bed next to Daddy, ready for a good night’s sleep. But, oh no! Mercydez coughed. And she coughed. And she coughed. Mommy got up and checked the feeding pump and the GTube. Everything seemed fine. So, Mommy kissed her and said goodnight. Mommy took the one or two steps to her bed and crawled back in. Cough. Cough. Cough. Then quiet for a moment. Mommy was still in bed. Merydez wanted Mommy. Cough. Cough. Cough. Mommy had had enough! Up she went. She took the one or two steps to the crib and, although extremely tired, couldn’t help but chuckle at the stubbornness of her little sweet pea. Mercydez finally fell into a deep sleep once Mommy put her in bed with her and Daddy. We now call Mommy and Daddy’s bed “Mercy’s Bed”.

Mercydez taught us to enjoy down-time. There would be many times when Daddy would come home from a hard-days work and he would be so tired. All Daddy wanted was to hold and snuggle with his little girl (Mommy was often times a Merydez-hog). So, Daddy would lay on the bed with his little girl snuggled up to him on his chest. Many times Daddy would fall asleep. Mommy was always amazed to walk in and find Mercydez, content and calm as can be, just enjoying the moment of being with her Daddy. Anyone who saw Mercydez with her Daddy knew without a doubt that she loved him greatly. We had another joke that Mercydez would rather snuggle all day then eat. She was happiest in the arms of loved ones, especially her Mommy and Daddy.

Mercy taught us to respect the way others communicate. A person may not be able to speak to you the way you speak to them, a person may not be able to hear what you hear or see what you see. It brings to mind the Primary song “If You Don’t Walk As Most People Do”. Let me quote it for you:



If you don’t walk as most people do
Some people walk away from you.
But, I won’t. I won’t.
If you don’t talk as most people do.
Some people talk and laugh at you.
But I won’t, I won’t
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.
Jesus walked away from none.
He gave His love to everyone.
So I will. I Will.
Jesus blessed all He could see
Then turned and said, “Come follow me.”
So, I will. I will.
I will. I will.
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.

Mercydez was one of those talked about in this song. Thank you for walking and talking with our little one. We truly believe “If you do it unto the least of these my brethren you have done it unto [God].”

As mentioned before, Mercydez had several ways of communicating. Included was the tongue wave, kicking her legs like she was riding a bike, flailing her arms about, or melting in your arms. She taught us that, in the end, we all have feelings, likes and dislikes. Mercydez taught us to love and respect others, no matter their verbal, hearing, or physical differences. She taught us a new language. She taught us to love others, no matter their form of communication.

Mercydez taught us humor. Mercydez attended her cousins birthday party in February. Mommy and Daddy were so excited to take her! What a fun experience! Daddy was working hard while Mommy was at home, getting things ready as quickly as possible. It was bath day, so Mommy quickly put Mercydez in the bath. After bath-time it was time to put her in her new spring outfit! Mommy couldn’t wait! Then it was time to feed her. While Mercydez was eating, Mommy decided to quickly get herself ready. Well, as soon as Mommy started to get dressed, Mercydez had one of her BIG HUGE sneezes and formula went everywhere! Mercy’s new outfit was soaked. Her clean hair was covered in formula, and her pretty face didn’t miss any of the action either. Mommy was beside herself! She ran from the closet to Mercydez with panic! But, there was Mercydez, calm as can be, just about to give one of her customary after-sneeze-yawns. Mercydez was fine as could be, just quietly waiting for Mommy to come clean up.

Many, many people were changed by Mercydez. She spoke to so many with her spirit. Her beautiful spirit could be seen and felt in her big, brown eyes.

Mercydez has two grandmas, Grandma Millie and Grandma LeAnn who is called Ahma. These two were so good to offer their love and support whenever it was wanted or needed. We are so grateful they were able to gain a close relationship with this amazing little one. Mercydez also has two Grandpa’s, Grandpa Drew and Grandpa Steve who is called Papa. Mercydez never lacked snuggles or kisses from these two. She has them wrapped around her long slender finger. We always joke that Mercydez has two momma’s… Momma Ashley, and Auntie Addy. Auntie Addy would check on Mercydez every morning. She would attend to Mercy’s every need. Many times, Ashley has wondered if Auntie Addy is more of a mommy to Mercy than she is! Mercydez has always been loved by her many cousins and aunts and uncles. She influenced so many.

The final week of Mercy’s life was difficult. She became ill very quickly. There is nothing worse than seeing your child suffer. There is nothing worse than not being able to do a thing about it. Mercydez was patient in her afflictions. She took things one moment at a time. She trusted Heavenly Father. She is a little girl full of faith. She completed her mission with humility and with great spirit. We know, deep in our hearts, that Mercydez never once denied Heavenly Father’s will. She was quick to obey with exactness.

Mercydez was obedient to all Heavenly Father required. As we think of our little girl, we think of the many difficulties she endured. We have often wondered to ourselves, “Why? Why does she have to suffer? What needs to be learned?” The truth is, she didn’t need to learn anything. She was obedient and endured hardship for us. She came to teach us. She came to lead by example. We hope, more than anything, that her life was not lived in vain. We will always honor her. We will always remember her. We want to live the kind of life she lived, a life of charity and love.

We know without a doubt that we are an eternal family. We are so grateful for the miraculous time we had with her. Every day truly was a miracle. We are grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ, who lived, taught, suffered, died, and rose again. His life and teachings have offered so much peace. Because He suffered, died, and rose again, Mercydez will be okay.

Mercydez, we love you with all our hearts. We ache for you. We miss you desperately already. But, we are so happy for you. You are now free from pain and hardship. We hope you will enjoy some time of rest. We hope you are running, dancing, and picking flowers. Thank you for enduring so much so very selflessly.

Thank you to all of you, and many who aren’t here, who have loved, supported, and strengthened us. We are so humbled and so grateful for your kindness.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.