The Future is as Bright as Your Faith

Of course, my mind has been on my sweet angel girl. How I miss her. I can't even explain. I am grateful that I am able to have a constant joy in her behalf, however. I also can't explain what that means. I am just so grateful that she is free from her many, many earthly struggles. She struggled a great deal. She is my valiant warrior. I feel so blessed to have had her in my life for as long as I did.

I haven't really said much about General Conference. I was greatly touched by the messages delivered. I was strengthened ten-fold by President Monson's talk "Be of Good Cheer". If these amazing people from the past were strong enough to make it through the trials spoken of, then surely I can make it through my trials. This, to me, is testimony of how our ancestors can truly strengthen us TODAY. All the messages delivered were powerful. Each message was needed. But, President Monson's talk just pierced me to the core.

Elder Richard G. Scott had a beautiful talk as well. I didn't know, until he spoke, that he had lost a child to heart disease. What a beautiful message for so many. My heart just ached as I listened to him speak. Although our Father's plan is perfect, it isn't easy. It is so difficult. It is difficult because we must be tested and tried. We have to prove ourselves faithful.


This pic was taken last March 25th. She loved to hold on to her little rattle toy!

I think back to a year ago. A year ago my little girl was still at PCMC. We were just a couple of days away from her "G-tube/Nissen" surgery, which would allow her to come home. We were so excited. We were so scared. Another surgery? Well, if it meant coming home... ... ... The devastations caused from that surgery will forever torture me. Oh, how my little girl suffered, because of a choice I MADE. She didn't make it. I DID. Did I do it to hurt her? Absolutely not. I did it because I wanted the best for her. I look back, though, and I ache. Before that surgery... she could blink; she could close her eyes while she slept; she could move her arms and her legs freely; she could move her eyes and FOCUS; her brain was developing "normally" (that word means nothing to me); April 15th will always be a hard day for me... that was the day I handed my baby over and she suffered because of it. I have so much anguish and frustration because of that stupid choice I made. I don't doubt the necessity of that choice... it prepared ME for what was to come (I knew what was to come, I just WOULDN'T allow myself to trust it). I am so angry though because my daughter had to suffer so that I would learn obedience... strick, exact obedience. I hold myself accountable for this... This all probably only makes sense to me. Just, hold your child(ren) close and give them hugs and kisses. Live in the moment, for these moments disappear all too quickly.

April 15th is also the "month anniversary" of Mercy's passing. It's going to be a hard day. It's already hard. Her meds still sit here. Her diapers, her crib, her clothes, her wipe-warmer, her little mobile. Part of me says it's time to start cleaning things up. Another part of me says I can't....

I feel as though the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ, has been my saving grace... not just these past weeks, but from the very beginning. At this Easter time, I am grateful to have the Truth to reflect upon. I am grateful for my Resurrected Christ. If He didn't conquer the grave in this way, then death would surely be the end of us. I testify that because of our Savior, Jesus Christ, death is NOT the end. I have felt the reality of the "Spirit World". I have felt the sacred truth... death is not the end.

This is the true meaning of this time of year.

Happy Easter.