I find myself wishing for the most random things. I would never wish her back to suffer through her many difficulties, just for me, but I would love to have, again, the sweet spiritual connections with my girl... those sweet moments where you feel like a mom taking care of your baby.
I wish I could change Mercydez's diaper again... undo the diaper, pull out the wipey warmer (which I was criticized for over and OVER and OVER again... I'd do it again though, in a SECOND), hold up those adorable tiny legs, wipe the cutest bum in the world, replace the diaper for a clean one, put on the bum cream (yup, every time, even if she didn't need it), and do up her little size one diaper. I'd absolutely love to go to Sams Club and buy another huge box of diapers and wipes. I don't care if they're expensive. My baby is worth it.
I wish I could feed my girl. First, sterilize the water. Then, once the water has cooled, measure it out and put it in the sterilized water bottle. Measure out the formula (soy formula, of course). Plug in feeding tube to Mercy so she can vent. Screw the lid on water bottle and shake like a mad woman. Grab the syringe with the feeding tube attached. Measure out all meds and put in feeding tube. Measure out formula and prime feeding tube. Attach it to Mercy's GTube, and feed her two to three mils at a time, for about 30 minutes to an hour. Afer, clean feeding tube and syringe.
I wish I could bathe my baby. Yup. Fill up her hammock bath tub. Get all the supplies in the bathroom: blanket on the floor. Towel on top of the blanket. Extremely hot water in the sink with the baby lotion in it (to warm it up, of course). Clean diaper... check. Bum cream... check. Eye bag... check. Heater... check. Good, she'll be warm enough. Get her cute new spring outfit out. She'll look adorable. Get the girly all nakey. Make sure to remove her socks. Hold her to me as I carry her the short distance to the tub. I was always worried I'd get peed on... she actually only did that to me one time... Anyway... In she goes. "Yeah, that's better, isn't it sweetie pie?" Turn on the warm water so it can run on her feet. A great spa experience, right in our own home. Lets start by washing your little body. Then we'll move to your hair! Oh! How I LOVE to wash your hair! So long! So curly! So pretty! We'll take our time because I know you LOVE your head to be massaged! Now lets gently wash your face and eyes. This is the part you don't particularly love. I don't like that you don't like it, but I'm grateful to give your eyes some relief. "Okay Sweetie! You've been in the tub for an hour now!" Now the part you REALLY hate. Pull the drain out and let's get you in the warm towel! I know, you HATE to be cold. I'll put on a clean diaper, wrap you up and we'll snuggle for a few minutes until you're warm again.
If I could have three wishes at this very moment, this is what I'd wish for.
16 comments:
Ashley, you are such a great mother. It's the small, simple, and mundane things that we missed once they've grown. If you think about it, Mercy has grown faster than most of us do. I'm glad you are writing this sweet memories to always keep them fresh in your mind. I love you. Thank you for your example of TRUE motherhood and strength. I love you.
It is so hard to go from having so much to do for th em. all the little things, and the big ones too, and then one day feel lost. What do I do now? I wish you could have your three wished today...I'm thinkin; aboutcha!
Melissa
Ashley, you are a fabulous mom. I have to admit, I've bought a few "frivilous" items for Nathan because I figured if he had to go through everything he was that he (& I) both needed a little spoiling! Mercy especially deserved a wipie warmer! Its good for you to write these thoughts down.
I had to laugh at your last post! It looks like you guys had a great time.
Just three little things...and still, sixteen months later, I can think of thousands I would do for my little one. I never got to do even these three things....your heart is full and your hands are empty. Remember there are blessings waiting for you beyond the brink of fear and pain. I don't know you, but I know your heart.
You are the sweetest Mom in the world! I love you and your example to the rest of us!
Gayle
Beautiful, sweet memories. I too wish you could have those three wishes......Love you...
Mom
If only I had a lamp to give you your hearts desire I would do anything. Love you Ash.
How sweet. I wish I was the big blue Genie off Aladdin (a girl one ofcourse) and could grant you these three wishes.....
I don't even know what to say, except I'm glad you got the chance to have her in your life.
-Amanda Atkinson
http://www.aandmatkinsonfamily.blogspot.com/
If I had three wishes, I would use one of them to give you yours. And you are so sweet Ashley, even your wishes are humble....
OH you are so sweet, I wish I could grant your wishes. Such small things in life to make one happy and yet so many take them for granted. How we cherish our moments in life. You really are a great Mommy!
As I read this I chuckled at how sweet and cute your words are, and then came tears...I miss those SAME SIMPLE things Ash. I'm with ya, I loved reading this. What a blessed and favored family you three are to have each other. We love YOU!!!!!
ummm...thank you. That was hard to read but in a beautiful way. I'm sure it was even harder to write. It's so personal and sacred yet so perfect to share with others.
I remember listening to you bathe cute little Mercydez. I would stand outside the bathroom door (it was ALWAYS closed AND locked to keep the heat in) and just listen. I love her little cry. Her expressions are so perfect and beautiful.
Ashley, if I could I would exchange my life with her. I know, to a certain degree, how much you miss your little baby girl. I have been deeply impressed at how graceful and dignified you and Nic have been throughout all of this. You two are the most gracious people I know.
I am so grateful you are sharing some of your precious moments. I NEVER want to forget ANYTHING. I love her so much. I love you and Nic so much too.
..and I agree. She has the CUTEST little bum in the WHOLE world!
Love,
Auntie Addy
You are an amazing person. I wish I could relate to how you feel, I am only fifteen, but my cute niece was diagnosed with a heart condition, and I became very curious about it, and I started to blog hop! The first time I read you blog, was shorty after sweet Mercy passed away... Everytime you post, I tend to cry, your words are just so lovely, and seem to be perfect. You are very open about your life and how you feel, and I personaly think that is wonderful, keeping things inside won't get us anywhere! I am truly amazed by you. I don't think I have ever commented on your blog before, but I would like to start. You have helped me realize so much! There is a reason you were chosen to be Mercy's mom!!! You gave her all that you could, she put you through so much, but you climbed over it... She gave you strength. You probably never thought that you would have a child like this, but now, I am sure you are so very grateful you do! I feel so blessed to just be able to READ your blog, I don't even know you, but I feel so touched when I read your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your stories!
Meghan
Mypurplecircle at gmail dot com
I'm so glad you have recorded your memories of those three things (among the many) that you would love to do with Mercydez once again. I have read through this so many times, I can't count. And each time I have read it - I feel like I'm there with you and Mercydez, going through the steps of changing her diaper, feeding her, and bathing her, once again. Thank you for letting me be there to share the memories. Love you.
Mom
We visited Mercy's grave on memorial day too. Her grave had more flowers on it than any of the others around it. Our little girl is so loved. My heart and prayers are with you.
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