Melancholy

I don't have much time.

I've been procrastinating. (sigh)

Yes, we are still here.


Mothers Day was beautiful, and hard. In the moment, it felt hard, but looking back on that Sunday, just over a week ago, I have realized that it was actually really, REALLY hard for me. It was wonderful to honor my own mother and mother-in-law (as well as the many women around me), but it was an empty day for me.

I'm at a point in my grief where I just block things. Yes, I'm still grieving and I will always be grieving. It's something not many understand. I appreciate those who try to understand though. I can tell when a person tries and when a person just flat-out doesn't. I don't like people who don't try. I don't have the energy to say that it's "okay" if they don't try. Selfish? Yes. Do I care? No. So, there ya have it.

I've been struggling the last while. My sweet, beautiful Grammie is really sick. In fact, today, she took a turn for the "worst" (which, by the way, really isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person). I have "blocked" the heartache, but today it has been fresh and some-what raw. I don't know how much longer we'll have her. All I know is that I love her. She is my Grammie. She is my best friend. She is my coach, my mentor, my life-guide. But, I don't blame her. She's been without my Grandpa for way too long. She and my Grandpa are madly in love. I'm sure they will both be weeping for joy when they meet again. I will be weeping too. A happy weep. And, most definitely, a sad weep.

Nic and I have been reading our scriptures together every night. It's something I look forward to. I love it. It has been a comfort. We were reading in The Book of Mormon and I came across a verse that reads as follows:

"...many shall be afflicted in the flesh, and shall not be suffered to perish, because of the prayers of the faithful;"

Hm. Did that catch you off-guard like it did me? The word "suffered" as mentioned above doesn't have the same modern-day meaning commonly used. I've pondered that a lot. There is a lot hidden in that small passage. I love the scriptures.

I'm taking a few sociology classes this semester. My mind has been moving, spinning, analyzing, pondering, and questioning quite a bit lately. This class has both helped me learn A LOT about myself and it has caused me to question a lot about myself as well. ... ... ... ... ...

Okay, back to the studies. Homework will be forever taunting me unless I stop procrastinating and JUST GET 'ER DONE.

Funny, Funny (Warning: A Little Crude)!

I'm ticked that I didn't think to hold my camera the RIGHT way when I recorded Nic coming in the finish line. Urg. Ahwell, just cock your head to the side. You'll get the same affect. See post below for some sweet pic's of our big race!

********* FUNNY STORY **********

So, Nic came through the finish line and I (of course) greeted him! He was so frozen he seriously couldn't talk at all! Ha! But, that's not the funny part. I asked him how his race went and he said, "Great! I did my best and I ran the whole way!" It sounded a bit more like, "Gray. I di ma bes an ran da who wa." So, he then goes on to tell me that his finish time would have been better BUT half way through the race his BOWELS kicked in and he had to "crap like you wouldn't believe" (cra lie yoo woh-nt beleevv). So, he tried to keep going and he "squeezed his cheeks like he's never squeezed before. HARD!" He said a prayer that he would find somewhere appropriate to "let it go" or else he was gonna let it go in his (very nice) running shorts (which, according to Ash, happens all the time. I wonder how she knows this??? ;)) So, he's running the Provo-River trail and, wa-lah! There was a park bathroom facility. Nic "ran in and made sure it was empty of occupiers. If anyone had been in there [he] would have kicked them out. [He] pulled down the shorts and pushed harder than ever before. And, it was like Niagara Falls!"

Not only is that HILARIOUS but, you should have heard him tell me! His mouth and tongue were so frozen he couldn't enunciate AND he couldn't smile or laugh with me! So funny!

So, note to self, go potty (and PUSH) before you run a half-marathon. I think he's learned his lesson.

PS Besides this whole experience, the only other "bad" experience was that his nipples HURT. I told him that he can now have some sympathy for us women when we breastfeed or pump. TMI? Maybe, yeah.

Check!!!

Today was my first-ever 5K and Nic's first-ever Half-Marathon!!! Check that off our bucket list! It felt so good! I am starting to really enjoy running. It's becoming very therapeutic. I'm so happy because I ran the whole race. That was my own personal goal. I've been training for a long time and I'm so happy with myself.

Adrienne, Me (yes, we are identical twins), Nic, Ashley (the original Ashley Haws :), Lindsay, and my awesome mom, LeAnn. Nic and Ashley (his sis) did the half-marathon. The rest of us did the 5K. It was great! In the words of my mom, "I can see why this is so addicting! I want to do another one!"



The half-marathon-ers RIGHT before their race began! They were both nervous, but they did AWESOME! I'm so proud of Nic and Ashley (the original).

And off they go!

Mom, Adrienne, Me, and Lindsay after the race. I took them home after our race and then went back to wait for Nic and Ash to finish their half-marathon. By-the-way, it RAIN, SNOWED, and HAILED. It was FREEZING (literally, it was). We were FROZEN. But, hey, we did it! And, we did it together!

Nic was SOAKING (so was the person behind the camera, a-hem). He was completely frozen head-to-toe. He couldn't smile, he couldn't talk, and he couldn't hold anything. The only thing he could do was SHIVER. He did SO good on his race. I'm so proud of him!

Ash didn't come in long after Nic. She did really well, especially considering for the last while her heart and mind hasn't been on running (wink, wink).



GOOD JOB ADRIENNE, MOM, LINDSAY, ASH, NIC AND ME! WE DID IT! WE DID IT FOR YOU MERCY! LOVE AND MISS YOU WITH ALL OUR HEARTS!

Farewell Superman

My brother, Kody (whom we call Superman), has moved to Kentucky. He and I have grown closer together the last while. I already miss him. But, I'm happy he's out, having an adventure.

Adrienne and I took him out to breakfast on Wednesday morning before he left. We went to Mimi's Cafe (one of my favorite breakfast places). It was nice. We were procrastinating his departure. Kody's buddy, Garrick, came along. He's a really awesome kid. He leaves next month for his mission to Bulgaria.

My dad ended up driving out with Kody, last minute (very, VERY last minute. It was decided about 20 minutes before Superman left). I'm glad he went with him. I have been struggling with anxiety for about a year now. Having my dad go with Kody has put me at peace. My dad flies home tonight.


Well, Kody, we love you. Be safe and bring me back a killer Kentucky-Derby hat. I've always dreamed of one of those!

PS Superman never looked so good in a purple shirt. I LOVE it.

Oh, Fun!

The last few days have been really nice. I've really enjoyed the beautiful spring weather (just in time for a snow storm today, ha!).

Last weekend, Nic and I went to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point. It was so beautiful. I LOVE the Thanksgiving Point Gardens. The festival ends this Saturday, so if you get a chance (and if the tulips make it through this winter storm), I would totally recommend that you visit!


We only got two pictures while we were there (we were too busy talking about our future together, it was fabulous). And, ironically enough, neither picture is with tulips in them! We took these by "The Secret Garden". So pretty!

I was able to go to a "Heart Mom Luncheon" on Saturday. It was so great. It was at Gardner Village. We got little gift bags with T-shirts, pens, and little trinkets. It was really nice to be surrounded by so many women who understand. I sat with three other "Angel Mom's"... Emily, Teea, and Jessica. I loved talking with them. I also got to meet Chrissy, who has the CUTEST little girl. Oh my gosh. Every time I see a picture of her little girl, Kylie, I just want to KISS her cheeks! Sad thing is, I've never met Kylie in person. Maybe one day... :)

This is Chrissy, Jessica, Melynda, and Me. All of us are heart moms. It's a blessing to belong to a group of women who support each other so much. A special thanks to Carolyn Quigley, who organized the group and who has put her heart into events like this.

This is all the heart moms who could make it to the luncheon. Can you believe there are so many? It's heartbreaking, and also strengthening, all at the same time. I love all these women, even though I don't know them all personally. We are connected in so many ways.

And, yesterday, my dad and I went to the Salt Lake Temple (I LOVE the Salt Lake Temple. It's where Nic and I were married, almost six years ago). It's my castle. I love the history behind it. Our Mormon pioneers put their whole hearts and souls into building this temple. They built it to our God. This is where we worship. This is where families are made eternal. Click on the link above. The picture is stunningly beautiful, but even more beautiful is what happens inside. Families are forever!

This is me and my dad, just outside of the temple. I love my dad. He is a good man with a kind and giving heart. I honor and respect him. I love you Dad!

My dad and I took some pictures of a few flowers within the Salt Lake Temple grounds. The gardens here always look so beautiful.






The next two pictures have the Salt Lake Temple in the background. I think it's so beautiful...



And, today, my cute li'l bro (who really isn't little at all) is moving to Kentucky for the summer. I'm gonna miss him. He's my good friend. I love ya Kody! Please be safe... and maybe I can come visit you this summer.

PS The ironical thing is that I look like I'm wearing the SAME outfit every day! Haha! Let me assure you: I shower, I do my laundry, and I change my clothes. However, I live in my white cardigan. I love it. But, just for clarity-and to calm your deep, heart-felt concern-I am a CLEAN person.

Dear Landry

Dear Landry,

I'm grateful you were able to come see your family, meet them, and stay with them for awhile. I'm grateful you were blessed with the mommy and daddy you have now, for eternity. I'm grateful you have such a beautiful sister and two handsome brothers, who will always remember you. I'm grateful you were able to visit the earth, if only for a short time.

And now, you are back in heaven. I never got to meet you face to face. I'm so sad. I wish I could have. But, one day, we'll get to meet. Until then, watch over your family. They all have a long road to endure.

You see, Landry, it's not easy to loose a child, regardless of how long you were able to have them be a part of your earthly life. As one "angel mom" put it, a part of a mothers soul dies with her child... that part of her soul never breathes again. I think it's the same for daddy's souls. I'm also sure it's the same, but also different, for brothers and sisters too. It's hard. I can tell your mommy misses you, with all her heart. Landry, you have a beautiful, kind, STRONG mommy and daddy. You are so blessed. Their hearts are aching. They are shattered. They feel so much sorrow, it's indescribable.

It's not fair to have to be the "strong" ones, the ones who at many times, feel so alone in their trials. It's not fair to be a parent who endures the loss of a child, to continue on for the rest of our lives, smiling, laughing, and facing each day as best we can, while deep, deep down, we are broken. We are alone. We are different. It's a world few who are "inexperienced" even dare think about visiting, and that makes it hard too.

But, it's not fair that the rest of the world doesn't get the opportunity to be receive the greatest blessing God could possibly give: a beautiful, celestial child. There is nothing comparable. There is nothing as priceless. Because of our blessing in receiving priceless children like you, we find strength to endure the loneliness. Our celestial children make this loneliness bearable. Our celestial children make the loneliness WORTH IT. I know I'm probably not making sense. I know you know what I mean.

I know you have brought such a light and hope to your family. I also know they miss you with all their souls.

Watch over them, Landry. They need you as their angel. Words won't bring the peace they need right now. Only the companionship of their sweet little angel can offer them the peace they need. I know you are with them. I know you love them. We love them too.

We pray you will be able to spend some time with them, as their angel. We pray they will feel you close by.

Would you mind telling our little angel princess that we love and miss her? Please let her know we wouldn't trade her for anything. We are grateful for her, just as your family is grateful for you. Thank goodness our families are forever.

With all our hearts,
Nic & Ashley
and li'l angel Mercy

Happy April

Spring is here and it's freezing. Easter morning was loaded with SNOW. That's okay though because we stayed in. It was General Conference. I slept a lot... but what I was able to hear was wonderful.

Elder Holland gave an awesome talk on LOVE. TRUE love. NOT lust. It seems as though this world is run by lust. People have forgotten what LOVE really is. It's sad. But, no worries. Elder Holland set the record (and the world) straight. Listen to it. It's good.

Sister Beck gave a great talk on Good Women. I love Sister Beck. She stands for WOMANHOOD. She stands for MOTHERHOOD. She doesn't succumb to the pressures of the world to follow the (ridiculous, eh hem) feminist ideals. Whenever she speaks, she speaks to my soul. I feel at peace with my calling to be a WOMAN, a MOTHER, and a WIFE. She is inspiring.

School is busy. Nic is pushing along. Wow. He's one strong man. I'm doing not even half of what he's doing and I'm wasted. Running is going great for both of us. Nic has decided to train for a FULL marathon (yuck). He's pushing himself, big time. Good job Love! I'm just training for whatever. I've decided that I'm not ready for a half-marathon yet. I can do a 5K to start out and then work my way up. No sense in diving in head first... especially if I know I'm not going to make it. So, my realistic side is coming out. I'm going to keep running, but not for a half-marathon... yet.

And, by the way, I'm baby hungry. Anytime I see a little baby (especially a little girl), I just about FREAK out. I miss my girl and I know she has siblings. No, this is not an announcement. I'm just saying that I love babies. They are the purest, most beautiful creatures in this world. And, I'm grateful for my eternal calling, that of being a wife and mother. I hold nothing higher than that. That is my joy, that is my truth.