In Memory

This Memorial Weekend has been beautiful. It's been very difficult for me, but I'm so grateful there is one day a year when the rest of the world "remembers". I will never, never forget my li'l princess. She is my hero. She is my inspiration. Everything I do, I dedicate to her. She makes me try my hardest to be better today than I was yesterday.

I am building a garden in my parents backyard, in her honor.

I am exercising EVERYDAY in her honor. I'm doing for her what she couldn't do for herself.

I am doing my best to serve those around me, in her honor.

I am being the best wife I can, in her honor. This girly loved her Daddy. I love her Daddy too, with all my heart. I have always wanted to be the best wife possible, she has just inspired me to try HARDER. I know she wants Mommy and Daddy happy.

Until my last breath, my life is in her honor.



I will never forget.

Three Wishes

I find myself wishing for the most random things. I would never wish her back to suffer through her many difficulties, just for me, but I would love to have, again, the sweet spiritual connections with my girl... those sweet moments where you feel like a mom taking care of your baby.

I wish I could change Mercydez's diaper again... undo the diaper, pull out the wipey warmer (which I was criticized for over and OVER and OVER again... I'd do it again though, in a SECOND), hold up those adorable tiny legs, wipe the cutest bum in the world, replace the diaper for a clean one, put on the bum cream (yup, every time, even if she didn't need it), and do up her little size one diaper. I'd absolutely love to go to Sams Club and buy another huge box of diapers and wipes. I don't care if they're expensive. My baby is worth it.

I wish I could feed my girl. First, sterilize the water. Then, once the water has cooled, measure it out and put it in the sterilized water bottle. Measure out the formula (soy formula, of course). Plug in feeding tube to Mercy so she can vent. Screw the lid on water bottle and shake like a mad woman. Grab the syringe with the feeding tube attached. Measure out all meds and put in feeding tube. Measure out formula and prime feeding tube. Attach it to Mercy's GTube, and feed her two to three mils at a time, for about 30 minutes to an hour. Afer, clean feeding tube and syringe.

I wish I could bathe my baby. Yup. Fill up her hammock bath tub. Get all the supplies in the bathroom: blanket on the floor. Towel on top of the blanket. Extremely hot water in the sink with the baby lotion in it (to warm it up, of course). Clean diaper... check. Bum cream... check. Eye bag... check. Heater... check. Good, she'll be warm enough. Get her cute new spring outfit out. She'll look adorable. Get the girly all nakey. Make sure to remove her socks. Hold her to me as I carry her the short distance to the tub. I was always worried I'd get peed on... she actually only did that to me one time... Anyway... In she goes. "Yeah, that's better, isn't it sweetie pie?" Turn on the warm water so it can run on her feet. A great spa experience, right in our own home. Lets start by washing your little body. Then we'll move to your hair! Oh! How I LOVE to wash your hair! So long! So curly! So pretty! We'll take our time because I know you LOVE your head to be massaged! Now lets gently wash your face and eyes. This is the part you don't particularly love. I don't like that you don't like it, but I'm grateful to give your eyes some relief. "Okay Sweetie! You've been in the tub for an hour now!" Now the part you REALLY hate. Pull the drain out and let's get you in the warm towel! I know, you HATE to be cold. I'll put on a clean diaper, wrap you up and we'll snuggle for a few minutes until you're warm again.

If I could have three wishes at this very moment, this is what I'd wish for.

Who Wouldn't Want A Piece of THIS Eye Candy??

Yup, he's available... YEEOOOWWW!

Moab

We just got back from a WAY fun family reunion to Moab, Utah. It was so awesome! I'm not your typical camper, but I enjoyed EVERY moment we were down there. It was so nice to get away.

Of course, our trip wouldn't be complete without a few emergencies...

While biking the Slick Rock Practice trail on Friday, my brother-in-law, Lucas (Nic's bro), crashed HARD. I honestly thought he was dead. I'm not joking. Miraculously, he had no breaks, no serious damage, just bruises and a sore body. Honestly though, he should have been broken up. He was cruising down the hill at full speed and went down a slope not realizing that RIGHT AFTER the slope was a three-to-four foot drop off. His front tire ended up exploding and his bike dragged him a good thirty feet. It was terrifying. You KNOW we love Lucas just by the simple fact that we sat in the TINY ER with rediculous medical staff for three-and-a-half hours. I'm grateful he's okay.

Nic had an accident of his own. He was going pretty fast and hit a deep sand pit. His bike did a quick-stop on him and down he went. I'm also grateful he is okay. I don't think I could handle something happening to him.

And yet another emergency... My uncle was stung by a wasp. He's very seriously allergic. Amazingly, his reaction wasn't as severe as it normally is. He kept his epi-pen close by but never had to use it. Yet, another miracle.

Sounds like an adventure, huh? Well, dispite the many scary moments, we had a BLAST! I could have stayed for a few more days! I'm surprising myself by saying that! Here are a few pics (in no particular order) of the fun we had... good times!












These five boys did the main Slick-Rock trail. WOOT! WOOT! For them!!!

Bitter-Sweet

I sure love my mom. She has been my constant support. She has reassured me, many times over, of very important truths. I love you Mom. Thank you for your very kind and deeply thoughtful words. I can't begin to express my gratitude for you, it's overwhelming.

Mother's Day weekend was bitter-sweet. I wasn't expecting it to be as difficult as it was. I was warned by a close friend, but, I didn't think it would effect me like it did. It was just hard AND beautiful. I felt the Spirit teach me, once again, of the truthfulness of eternal families. I am a mother. I am. Loosing my little Sweet Pea for a season doesn't remove my title. Motherhood is divine. All women, who desire, are mothers. This extends to those who can't have children, for whatever reason. I am determined that a woman does NOT need "proof" to be a mother. She only needs the Spirit of Motherhood.

Nic gave me a very special gift. To many, it's vain. To me, it's what my heart has needed. Nic gave me my dream Mother's Ring. It's actually quite simple. I'm big on sentimental value. My wedding ring is a replica of my Grammie's current wedding band. My Mother's Ring is a replica of my Grammie's wedding band from when my Grandpa very first proposed to her. It's very... vintage. Simple. Delicate. Like my angel girl.

To say I absolutely LOVE it is an understatement. I love it, not only because it's incredibly beautiful, but because of the meaning and symbolism behind it. I am grateful I was able to be at Mercydez's side. She and I were ALWAYS together. Oh, how I love her. I miss her company. And, in my own way, now I'm carrying her with me all the time. I am so blessed. I am so grateful. I am able to look down at my hands and see reminders of my eternal family... my amazing, wonderful husband on the left, and my beautiful, perfect angel Mercydez on the right.

A Tribute to My Daughter

What do you write to a daughter who has been through so much? What do you write to a daughter who has experienced the very thing mothers everywhere fear? How do you express to her your love and admiration in such a way that it will touch her heart? How do you let her know she means the world to you and that you wish you could take her pain away so she wouldn’t have to hurt so much? I wish I knew how to do that, because that is exactly what I would do.

I sat down last night to write a letter of tribute to you, but words seem to be failing me. You, my dear, are a jewel. No wonder Heavenly Father entrusted you with one of his very elect daughters. He knew you would do whatever it took to give her the very best. I look at you and think of how well you took care of Mercydez and my heart wants to burst. Today as I was thinking about the past 16 ½ months and all the joy and sorrow that came with it, my heart was full of gratitude for having had your sweet family in our lives. I think about Mercydez, remembering her cute little expressions, her sweet little scrunched up face and cute moon-shaped eyes when she would cry and how we would look at her, comforting her of course, and chuckle because even in her frustration she was so adorable. I think about how she would do her sweet little tongue wag when she was comfortable and at peace. I think of how she would start out slow before working up to a full-blown howl, starting with her breathing pattern changing, giving you the first inkling that there was more to come. And then it would change into a whimper of sorts and shortly thereafter, she really shared her opinion on how things were going. I think about how quickly she would change from doing her cute tongue wag to a full-on cry because her diaper was poopy. I think about her holding on tight to our fingers, or letting us kiss her sweet little hands, or wanting to just gobble her up, kissing her all over her beautiful little face and hardly being able to stop, and finally stopping because she had had enough!

And every time I think about Mercydez and all the joy she brought with her, I have to think of you, dear daughter. And I think about all the days you spent at the hospital by her side, making sure she received the best care possible, and if something wasn’t up to snuff, insisting that it quickly become so. I think about your life quickly changing from doing whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, to being devoted to the little girl Heavenly Father had seen fit to grace your family. I think about the love and concern you had for her well being, the desire to make her life as full as it could possibly be – wanting her to be able to “experience” all that she could. I think about how every day you got up in the morning to start the routine over again – feeding Mercydez, giving her meds, cleaning her little eyes, putting eye ointment in her eyes, reading to her from the Children’s Friend, reading the scriptures to her, learning sign language in anticipation of communicating with her more, feeding her again, giving meds to her again, changing her diapers, bathing her, feeding her again, tracking her feedings and meds, offering comfort to others, always reaching out to those in need, feeding her again, and never once did I ever hear you complain of the difficulties. The only things I heard you express were the love and concern you felt for her. That, my dear, is a true mother. You have often posted how you admire me and want to be like me. The truth of it is, I admire you and so want to be like you. You are the mother I have always wanted to be. And I am pleased (Aunt Dorothy’s reminder) to call you my daughter.

Thank you for sharing sweet Mercydez. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

Love,
Mom

Spewing with Anger

I'm giving you fair warning. I'm MORE than angry right now. I can't even explain how I feel. My heart just wants to burst into a thousand pieces. I don't normally put my feelings, my deepest feelings, out to the world... but I can't just keep quiet. I'm too angry.

One thing I am continually amazed at are peoples extremely ignorant and often times excruciatingly painful comments. Let me share a couple of "thoughtful" comments, from this past week alone...

Comment:
"Oh, I'd LOVE to trade places with you. I'd LOVE to just sit at home all day."
My Argument:
First off, this person who made this comment is a moron. Second off, I don't JUST sit home all day. AND if I did, it's none of her business. If that's how I deal with my grief, then it's PERFECTLY FINE with me to "JUST SIT". Everyone deals with grief differently. And, some cope by "just sitting". If that's a coping strategy, then give people their space. Give me a break. And, who says something like that?

Comment:
"I intentionally kept myself away. I didn't want to form a bond with Mercydez because I knew she was going to die. I didn't want to hurt."
My Argument:
Yeah, well, unfortunately, this is the attitude of way too many selfish, ignorant, hellish people. I've HAD it. JUST BECAUSE A PERSON IS DIFFERENT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LESS QUALIFIED TO BE LOVED: YOUNG, OLD, HEALTHY, SICK, BLACK, WHITE, THOSE WHO HAVE ABILITIES, THOSE WHO HAVE "DIS"ABILITIES. Get over yourself. I can't believe how rude and self-centered that attitude is. To be honest, I can't tolerate this attitude. It makes me want to EXPLODE into a million pieces. You know the scripture that talks about how in the last days, mens hearts will fail them? Bingo. And to this person... and those who have this attitude, YOU are the ones who are undeserving of my perfect angel's love. She is much better than I, because she'll probably love you anyway. I, however, am not perfect like my baby girl.

My momma bear is out.

I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I wish I could just "let go" of comments like this. I can't though. This is my "disability". I'm so angry.

I'm so grateful to those who, so selflessly, so kindly, so genuinely loved my little girl. It means more than words can explain. Knowing there are those who have TRULY loved my angel has given me indescribable strength. It's what helps me get through these horrible, horrible words.