Grandpa

Today is my Grandpa's birthday. I love him so much. He is such a blessing and such a great leader to his family. He is always there, ready and willing to help in whatever way he can.

My Grandpa has the sweetest, most tender heart. I remember the first time he met Mercydez. He was able to hold her and it was such an amazing moment. He shed tears of love and compassion for her. I will never forget that moment.

My Grandpa has lead an amazing life. His is an amazing story of hard work. My Grandpa has never been afraid of work. He has taken challenges head-on! He is an amazing example to me.

I love you Grandpa! I hope you have an wonderful birthday! You have been an influence for good in my life. I couldn't ask for a better Grandpa!

Another Angel In Heaven

The picture above is of sweet little Brooklyn Bailey. What a beautiful little girl...

Is it possible to have your heart intertwined and in love with someone you've never met face to face? Is it possible for spirits to connect from a distance? I deeply believe this is real. It's real for all of us, if we just allow the miracle of connection to happen.

As many may know, Nic and I belong to a wonderful group called "Intermountain Healing Hearts". We are a "Heart Family". We help each other, vent to each other, say things to each other which couldn't be said or understood anywhere else, and we cry together. The last couple of days I have cried and cried with a beautiful family who has had to say goodbye to their sweet little girl, Brooklyn. My heart is breaking for them. No, I don't understand what they are going through. But, I am trying to walk with them, from a distance. I feel as though my spirit has connected, in a small way, with theirs.

I strongly believe that these little children... children who aren't "normal" are so very special. Heavenly Father blesses those who are "normal", the ones who TRULY need help, with these amazing, PERFECT little ones. Some of these little ones are able to grow and bless lives while here on the earth for a good amount of time while others are called back to Heavenly Father too quickly. These angels still bless us in ways we can't always see. But these angels are there. They are always there. What a blessing to be in the presence of these special ones, no matter the amount of time.

To my friends, the Bailey family, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I believe in her all too short life that, as you said, Brooklyn has written volumns. She has touched and changed many around her. She has touched those who haven't met her face to face. God bless your family for enduring the difficult loss of your special little angel. Our hearts are with you.

Can't WAIT!

I have really taken a stand for Motherhood. I love being a mom and I know many women who would agree with me. Yes, Motherhood is the HARDEST thing I've ever taken on, but I wouldn't change it for ANYTHING! I have learned more than ever before. I have been blessed abundantly! And I have a beautiful little girl and a wonderful husband! I couldn't ask for more!

Around this time last year I heard a talk that completely struck me. I have been listening to this talk EVERY day for the last week or so and I plan on listening to it everyday until I have it memorized! Yup! I've decided I want to memorize it! This talk is so refreshing and empowering! This talk has made me want to be a better person all around, but it has given me the push I want and need to become the mother I truly want to be. The talk is titled "Mothers Who Know". You can listen to it by clicking here. Scroll close to the bottom. It's a talk by Julie Beck.

I remember where I was at, who I was with, and what I was doing when this talk was given. That's how much it struck me. This talk was given for me. I need these words.

I am so overly excited about General Conference! I can't wait! It's like I'm hungering and thirsting after the words that will be spoken! I haven't always been like this. I think I started craving the Gospel and the Truths of the Gospel when my testimony became MINE. It was no longer borrowed. That happened around my 16th birthday.

Anyway, I can't wait for the General Relief Society Broadcast this Saturday night! And I can't wait for next weekend. I have had many things on my mind and I know without a doubt that the Lord hears me. I can't wait to hear what He has to say through those who have been called!

Chef Ashley To The Rescue!

So, I've decided I want to be a good cook... no, make that an AMAZING cook. Who ever knew there was so much involved in making a yummy, REAL meal? I've realized that my wonderful husband has settled for less than mediocre since we've been married... however, that may be because the first meal I made him, I got the comment, "Yeah, these are good. Not nearly as good as your moms though." Nic learned VERY quickly what to say and what not to say. Haha. Now I'm able to look back and laugh about that. :)

Is it just me or does it seem like we have standardized dinner as being processed food and coming out of a box? Hmmm, and we wonder why we can't ever see our feet when we look down? So, I've decided to jump out of the norm and actually learn how to do REAL cooking.

So, wish me luck. We'll see how long this little venture lasts. :)

For My Grammie

August 11th was my beautiful Grandmother's birthday. I love her so much. She has been one of my very best friends. She has endured with me through many, many different experiences. In her honor, I wrote her a poem. I love poetry. I feel like poetry defines your soul... well, my soul. I love to write. Anyway, I was finally able to give this gift to her last week. I wanted to post it in her honor...

Clay

You taught me to love
When
The world taught to hate

You taught me modesty and respect of self
When
The world taught me image is everything

You taught me to stand tall and immovable for right
When
The world taught swaying and being indifferent is correct

You taught me to look outside myself, to serve and love others
When
The world taught to care only about oneself

You taught me that the road to righteousness will bring hardships and struggle
When
The world taught that living “right” coincides with ease and luxury

You taught me to pray and rely on Heavenly Father
When
The world taught to rely on no one except oneself

You taught me, perhaps one of the hardest lessons to teach—faith
Faith in what my eyes cannot see

I have always been told that God molds us like clay, if we let Him
It seems as though you were molded long ago
And
For the longest time, you have been the instrument in Gods’ hands
And I the clay


Ashley Haws (11 August, 2008)
Dedicated to: My sweet, beautiful, most amazing Grammie. Happy Birthday!

Help Protect Our Children by Reading This...

I am one who is against pornography 1000%! I can't STAND porn in any sort of way! It makes my blood boil. Pornography is NOT a victimless crime!!! AND YES! IT IS A CRIME! It ruins not only the viewer, but those around him or her. It is pure evil. There is NOTHING good about it. EVER.

I know that many don't really enjoy Oprah, but for the most part, I do. I was watching today and I became outraged! It was on Child Pornography and Child Molestors. I like to call these people MONSTERS. They aren't people. They are so far beyond feeling true compassion, true love. They don't respect innocence and purity. They are selfish, horrible, evil, conspiring monsters. There was a statistic that was given on Oprah today that just appauled me. Did you know that THREE OUT OF FOUR children are impacted by pornography or molestors???? This is WRONG and we need to do something about it. What can we do?

There is an Act that is being brought before our Senators and it's called "Protect Our Children", Act 1738. This is being passed (or not) THIS MONTH. This act will, in a nutshell, give more money towards stopping these monsters. Money will be put towards programs and personnel to track these horrible evil monsters and get rid of them. How can you help get this Act passed? Click here. Read the instructions (yes, it will take you to a webpage within Oprah). Read it and do as it says.

PLEASE pass the word along! Put in on your blog, email everyone you know, send out a text message... I DON'T CARE! We need to stand for what's right. We need to stop these monsters and we only have a few days to get our government's help. Please stand with me. Stand with your child. Take a stand and protect those who cannot protect themselves!!!

Hard Day, Hard Week

I remember exactly where I was, what I felt, and the fear that struck my heart seven years ago today. I can't believe it's been that long. It's amazing how tragedy can change you, so completely. I feel such deep sorrow on this day each year. So many still see it as "just another day". I'm not one of those people. Today is a very difficult day for me. I didn't personally loose anyone in the tragedies of that day, but I was heavily effected by it. So many lives lost and effected by terrorism. My thoughts and prayers are with those families.

I found out today that Mercydez's nurse, and my dear friend, Moira, lost two aunts in flight 93. I'm so sorry. The aftermath of that day has touched all of us, in one way or another. Whether or not you agree with the war... I find comfort in knowing there are many brave soldiers out there willing to protect me, a person they don't even know. I offer my gratitude. Thank you for being brave enough.

Today is a hard day because it was a year ago that Nic and I had our 20 Week Ultrasound! I remember being so excited! Boy or Girl?!?! Isn't it rediculous? Of all the BIG concerns to have.... boy or girl? I remember being in that room with my wonderful husband, Nic. My mom and Nic's mom were both there. It was complete inspiration to have them come. It was such a happy moment and such a terrifying moment. I can't even BEGIN to explain. I was so excited to have a precious little girl! And I was heartbroken because we were informed she would have complications. Oh! The heartache. Thinking back to that moment brings tears to my eyes. We were told that we would have many more doctors appointments with many different doctors. And we did. I can't believe it's been a year. My heart still aches for my baby. I look at her and I hope and pray I am making the best decisions, the RIGHT decisions for her.

Yesterday was another good and hard day. A beautiful little baby boy, whom I've never met but have a love for, received a gift of a new heart. Thankfully, he is doing wonderful. I am so happy for this family! My heart aches for the family who lost their little child. And my heart aches because, in these moments of good news, I wonder if this is a path I should be pursuing for Mercydez. Am I doing what is best for her? If she could talk to me, would she agree with our decisions? I have faith in a loving Father in Heaven who most surely answers prayers. Many of my prayers have been answered. He is with me. He is with Nic. He is with Mercydez. And I hope I am truly listening to His answers. I am trying. I love my little Mercy with all my heart. I have been overwhelmed this week, with a deep and full love for her. I have always loved her, but I am just feeling it so poignantly. I would do anything for her. It's hard to take a path not often taken. I haven't had a chance to really talk with someone who is experiencing this. I'm afraid to. There is too much pain associated with it. And at the same time, I am yearning for someone who has experienced this hardship. Without sounding morbid, I often wonder to myself, "Is it easier to loose a child unexpectedly, or is it easier to know you will loose your child?" Neither path is "easy". How could it be? Both are so hard, so trying, so full of sorrow. I have felt the guilt in knowing I'm not "doing everything I can to save my child". I feel deep down that I am doing everything I can to save my child. It's just different than most others. Being different means that you often times are lonely and being lonely means that you stand by yourself. That's kinda how I'm feeling. I'm not having a pity-party, I'm just struggling. That's all. But, with putting my deepest feelings on my sleeve for the whole world to read about, know that Mercydez is doing wonderful. She truly is. She is such a miracle. She has taught me more in the last year or so than I have learned in an entire lifetime. She is my hero. I love you Mercy. I wouldn't change a thing about you because you are PERFECT just the way you are.

Here's a cute video of me and Mercy playing together!

TEAM MERCY!

(Note: Travis, Adrienne, and Marin were taking the pics, that's why they aren't in them.)



Yesterday was the Intermountain Healing Hearts Fun Run/Walk. It was so awesome to be a part of it! Of course, I was running a bit behind, but we made it just before everyone started the race. We were the last ones to take off, but I figure it's the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law. I was just happy to be there! There was an amazing spirit to the whole day. The race was great (I'm pretty sure we came in last, but that's okay. I'm not much into competition :)) After the race there were pictures being taken of family/friend groups and then of the entire group as a whole. Then we had a very beautiful and touching Angel Ceremony. I cried thinking of these little ones. Tears of happiness and tears of sorrow. Everything was just perfecty done. To finish things off there was a bunch of prizes and there was a drawing. It was pretty fun! Mercydez won a blanket and Nic won tickets to the Desert Star Theatre! That will be fun!

I was touched by the many who showed up to love and support Mercy. My friend, Caroline drove down from Logan. Caroline is amazing. I have a deep love and respect for her and her husband. They are two very strong people. They have been through a great deal and their faith is only stronger because of it. They came to Primary Childrens to support and meet Mercydez. I can't tell you how painful that must have been for them. But they did it anyway. Wow. THAT is love.

I was also able to meet a good friend for the first time! Jenni came down from Idaho to show her love and support. She is so thoughtful and so kind. She has an incredible spirit about her. It was AWESOME to finally meet her. I have to tell you though, I was kinda in awe when she approached me. I know it sounds stupid, but I have really come to learn the overwhelming GOODNESS of so many. Jenni is one of those people. I felt undeserving of her friendship... I know that sounds kinda cheesy and weird, but I don't know how to describe it. It's just powerful meeting those people who truly, TRULY go out of their way to serve someone else. I want to be like that. It was also good to meet her sister, who has VSD. It was encouraging to hear her story. There is nothing happier than hearing of anothers success in life. It's very uplifting. I also got to meet Jenni's CUTE-AS-CAN-BE Lilly. Oh my goodness! Talk about beautiful eyes! Babies are just adorable. Lilly had her "10 Month Birthday" yesterday. Seriously, she is so cute.

(Sorry it's a shot from behind. They were walkin' and talkin' and laughin' their way to the finish line. You all look great from the back though! :))

Alicia, Marin, Mary Kay, and ADORABLE Keegan came too! I'm mad at myself because I STILL haven't taken the chance to hold Keegan and I've had TWO opportunities. I'll just blame Trav. He was hogging Keegan anyway! ;) Honestly though, we have been blessed with amazing support! We consider the Brauns and the Smiths family. We feel like Braxton, Marin, Grayson and Keegan are li'l cousins for Mercy (and cute ones at that!). We are so grateful for your support. I can't tell you how much it means to us. Thank you, thank you!

Well, I'm going to post a bunch of pics... so take a look! Thanks to those who came and showed their love and support. And those who couldn't make it, maybe you can join the fun next year! We missed you!

See this post and the one below...

For some reason, one of the adorable movies I posted didn't work. So, check it out here and then continue down...

A Day of Counting Miracles

Nic's brother, Zac, turns the big 3-0 today! Happy birthday Zac! Zac is such an amazing guy. We love him so much! He's a great daddy to his four absolutely ADORABLE children and he takes such good care of his wife, Mandy. I have always admired Zac and Mandy. They are two of the most selfless and caring people I've ever met. I love that Zac supports Mandy in her desire to be a home mom. He works so hard to be the provider. He's up extra early and doesn't go to bed until very late. Zac truly is a good example of what a great husband should be like. Nic and Zac have a great relationship. I LOVE the way these two work when they're together. They are like two little boys! Seriously! They both had their remote-control cars (sorry, I know they have a much "cooler" name, but I'm not worried enough to call Nic and ask him what that name is) at the family reunion! It was fun to just watch them! Nic and Zac have a very deep trust in each other. We wish we lived closer! One of the many great things about Nic and Zac is they try to start each of their conversations with a line from "The Count of Monte Cristo". Yeah, pretty nerdy, but also pretty darn cute. We love you Zac and we hope your big 30th birthday is spectacular! :)

Not only is today Zac's birthday but.....

Mercydez is eight months old today!!!!! That is such a great miracle! Especially when hearing the prognosis we were given when being discharged from Primary Children's. It has been a blessing, and truly a miracle, to have our sweet Mercydez in our life. We couldn't be blessed with a more beautiful and sweet little girl. Our lives are consumed with her and our hearts beat for her.

Today marks another miracle... Mercydez has been home LONGER than she was in the hospital! Wow! It truly felt like an eternity being at Primary Childrens and it feels like the time has completely flown by with her being at home! We have done our best to allow her to truly live. We have done our best to make memories and do special things with our little princess. We have been so blessed in the fact that we have had these opportunities.

I was playing with little Mercy in her crib last night, as she was starting to doze, and I just had this overwhelming feeling of love for her. I am so grateful that I have the knowledge that families are eternal. I can't tell you how much I fear the future and the pain it will hold... but the peace of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is much stronger and it over-rides my fears. Sometimes I get stuck in those moments of fear and doubt though, and it's extremely difficult to crawl out of those deep, dark holes. I try to remember that I still have her. I do my best to enjoy NOW and leave tomorrow, well, to tomorrow. I have also gained strength from the heart group I belong to. There are several members who have lost their children, who have angels. I am so fearful for when I will be placed in their numbers. But, I look at them and I am in complete awe. Each one of these parents are amazing. They have a quiet strength about them and I can't help but observe them. My hope is that I can be like them.

My thoughts have been on Mercydez and her future. How I hope her future is bright and full of more good memories. I want her to look back on her life with pleasure, with happiness. I am truly doing everything I can to make that a reality.

We love you Sweet Pea. Congrats on making it this far! You are the strongest, sweetest, most beautiful little princess! Happy eight month birthday!