I remember exactly where I was, what I felt, and the fear that struck my heart seven years ago today. I can't believe it's been that long. It's amazing how tragedy can change you, so completely. I feel such deep sorrow on this day each year. So many still see it as "just another day". I'm not one of those people. Today is a very difficult day for me. I didn't personally loose anyone in the tragedies of that day, but I was heavily effected by it. So many lives lost and effected by terrorism. My thoughts and prayers are with those families.
I found out today that Mercydez's nurse, and my dear friend, Moira, lost two aunts in flight 93. I'm so sorry. The aftermath of that day has touched all of us, in one way or another. Whether or not you agree with the war... I find comfort in knowing there are many brave soldiers out there willing to protect me, a person they don't even know. I offer my gratitude. Thank you for being brave enough.
Today is a hard day because it was a year ago that Nic and I had our 20 Week Ultrasound! I remember being so excited! Boy or Girl?!?! Isn't it rediculous? Of all the BIG concerns to have.... boy or girl? I remember being in that room with my wonderful husband, Nic. My mom and Nic's mom were both there. It was complete inspiration to have them come. It was such a happy moment and such a terrifying moment. I can't even BEGIN to explain. I was so excited to have a precious little girl! And I was heartbroken because we were informed she would have complications. Oh! The heartache. Thinking back to that moment brings tears to my eyes. We were told that we would have many more doctors appointments with many different doctors. And we did. I can't believe it's been a year. My heart still aches for my baby. I look at her and I hope and pray I am making the best decisions, the RIGHT decisions for her.
Yesterday was another good and hard day. A beautiful little baby boy, whom I've never met but have a love for, received a gift of a new heart. Thankfully, he is doing wonderful. I am so happy for this family! My heart aches for the family who lost their little child. And my heart aches because, in these moments of good news, I wonder if this is a path I should be pursuing for Mercydez. Am I doing what is best for her? If she could talk to me, would she agree with our decisions? I have faith in a loving Father in Heaven who most surely answers prayers. Many of my prayers have been answered. He is with me. He is with Nic. He is with Mercydez. And I hope I am truly listening to His answers. I am trying. I love my little Mercy with all my heart. I have been overwhelmed this week, with a deep and full love for her. I have always loved her, but I am just feeling it so poignantly. I would do anything for her. It's hard to take a path not often taken. I haven't had a chance to really talk with someone who is experiencing this. I'm afraid to. There is too much pain associated with it. And at the same time, I am yearning for someone who has experienced this hardship. Without sounding morbid, I often wonder to myself, "Is it easier to loose a child unexpectedly, or is it easier to know you will loose your child?" Neither path is "easy". How could it be? Both are so hard, so trying, so full of sorrow. I have felt the guilt in knowing I'm not "doing everything I can to save my child". I feel deep down that I am doing everything I can to save my child. It's just different than most others. Being different means that you often times are lonely and being lonely means that you stand by yourself. That's kinda how I'm feeling. I'm not having a pity-party, I'm just struggling. That's all. But, with putting my deepest feelings on my sleeve for the whole world to read about, know that Mercydez is doing wonderful. She truly is. She is such a miracle. She has taught me more in the last year or so than I have learned in an entire lifetime. She is my hero. I love you Mercy. I wouldn't change a thing about you because you are PERFECT just the way you are.
Here's a cute video of me and Mercy playing together!
Guys' Trip
5 years ago
5 comments:
Ash, I'm so sorry you are hurting ... I can't even begin to imagine the extreme, roller coaster emotions that you and Nic have felt during the last past year. I just know that I've see you and your whole family become the greatest example of bravery I know. You are an amazing mother and you are and WILL be guide through out it all. Who can't help to love Mercydez ... look how cute she plays. That video brought tears ... she is so adorable and I can see her love for you!
It's been one year ago on 9/14 that we learned of Owen's heart condition and were told it was best to terminate. That was the easiest decision I ever made!
You and Nic have such amazing hearts and I can tell by reading your blog that you are the most loving parents! I LOVE the video of her playing with you! It just shows how much she loves her momma. Heavenly Father definetly blessed you with one of his most special spirits!!
Andrea
I love Mercydez so much. I love you and Nic so much. I can't tell you how inspirational you three have been to me. That's an understatement.
I remember a year ago you had your ultra sound. You called me and asked me what I thought you were going to have, boy or girl. I felt to that point of the pregnancy you were going to have little Nic Jr. but last minute I told you I felt strongly you were going to have a girl. I called you and told you that too! I left you a message and told you I changed my mind - it's a girl!!! And the shocker was I WAS RIGHT!
I remember that night you came in my bedroom and with tears in your eyes you told me your little girl had complications. I remember you and Nic cried and cried. I sat there, devastated and in shock. I remember I broke down in tears...after what you said sunk in. We've all learned so much from our little angel.
I, like you, wouldn't change anything. My little Mercydez IS perfect because she's exactly how Heavenly Father wanted her. She has earned her salvation. She is a celestial angel gracing our lives with purity, love, innocence, righteousness, and heavenly perfection. It is a privilege to be her aunt, and that's been made very clear to me through personal revelation.
I know I'm not going through the same things you are. That's just a fact of life. I'm here, though, when you need me.
you are an amazing person, Ashley. I hope you can feel at peace about the decisions you've made for your little princess. Even if the doctors had been right about Mercydez's prognosis, your instincts as a mother were right about needing to bring your baby home. You three deserve all the happiness you can possibly have. thank you for being my inspiration.
Ashley,
You are amazingly strong. I love the video of Mercydez. I can finally cross that off my list(meetin her), she is my personal hero. I have had experiences in both knowing ahead of time and the unexpected when losing a child. There are pros and cons to both. With Lilly, we "lived like you were dying" so to speak. We took her everywhere, gave her all of the experiences we could. It was still a roller coaster ride because truly only God knows the time we will leave this earth.But when the time came, we knew. She was laying next to her cousin, the morning after Thanksgiving. I noticed she was blue, picked her up and she was not breathing. I started crying, pleading with her to please take a breath. She passed away the next day, surrounded by those who loved her. With Ryker, it was SO unexpected. That day was just unreal, and so hard because we truly did not think our trial would be losing him. Going into that day, it started so joyful (with him being extubated) and then having a complete 180 degree turn. He started to not do so well at about 1:30 and passed away right around 3:30. I think back to Lilly, and I begin to question our decisions as to whether we should have done more. I do the same with Ryker. But with both of them, I know we did what was right for them. It does not mean it is necessarily right for everyone, really it is just individually right. You know what is right for Mercydez. You are her parents and therefore are given the parental right to make decisions and receive inspiration for her. Keep your chin up. You are doing great but allow yourself to have these kind of days. We think the world of you guys and want to get together. Maybe a week from this Friday we could have dinner together!
Heart hugs,
Emily and Mike
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